Following is the first article I've written for my burgeoning website. I plan to host them there eventually, but it's still under construction. So until then I'll post them here.

    Thanks for reading, and I hope you find what you seek,

    sadhaka
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Hands off my Deeksha!

Coming to Grips with Free Energy for Enlightenment

        The Oneness Deeksha movement has been growing in popularity and intensity for some time, and many people – including myself – have been greatly influenced by the experience of receiving Deeksha. People from all over the world have been attracted to this “energy of enlightenment,” and very consistently people report the experience of peace, bliss, fulfillment, and some have even become fully awakened as a result of undergoing the 21-Day Oneness Process in the presence of avatars Amma and Bhagavan.

       But there is also a lot of controversy surrounding the Oneness organization itself, especially on the web. Some people have decried the entire organization as fraudulent, and there are several eerie articles circulating out there describing how people may have had psychotic breakdowns from using Deeksha too much or vilifying Ammabhagavan as charlatans and greedy gurus.

       One of the other controversies surrounding this movement is the fact that unless you've been to Golden City, India, and undergone the 21-Day process, you're not “allowed” to call any energy you may channel Oneness Deeksha. I would never presume to call the energy I channel Oneness Deeksha – in fact I call it Enlightenment Diksha just to be careful – though through my personal experience, I can assure you it is the same; we all have unlimited potential, and all energy originates from the same Source. It is free energy for enlightenment.

       In this article I hope to clear up some of the mystery surrounding the movement by relating my personal experience with Deeksha as a neutral party, that is, someone who has received Deeksha and channeled Deeksha but has not personally attended the 21-Day Process at Oneness University.

What's the Deal with Bliss?

        What's the big deal with “bliss,” anyway? The main purpose of so called “bliss practices” like Deeksha is to instill within the practitioner the sense that there is no separation between You and the outside world. It works to create a permanent brain change and so deals almost completely with the mind of the practitioner. Giving Deeksha, receiving Deeksha... within this enlightened energy, it's all the same. Outside blends with inside, mind with body, laughter with sorrow, and enlightenment is realized – at least for a short while – in the apprehension of nonduality; you and I and she are the same, we are all One, there is no inside, there is no outside, that vase is god is war is abundance is crime is tears is joy is love is sex is bliss is god. Oneness.

       So what good does that do? I'll be the first to say, Not a whole lot if one resists the flow of this energy into everyday life: God washing the dishes. God playing with the children. God mowing the lawn. God paying the taxes. I've had my fair share of difficulties with this very thing. After a tremendous session of blissful practice, I'd find myself barely able to touch anything without keeling over at its incredible beauty. I'd walk into the kitchen and grasp the counter, nearly melting into it for its simple splendor, and then try to wash the dishes without getting caught up in the madness of the mundane act itself. Soon my ego would intercede with its evil agenda: Don't let go of your bliss! Hoard it with every fiber of your being! Don't let it leak!

       Needless to say this makes washing dishes incredibly difficult, not because you're melting into the dishes and laughing hysterically at the ridiculouness of duality(although that happens.) It's difficult because when you try to hold on to your bliss, you resist the bliss of existence itself. So without awareness training, without learning to surrender to the flow of what seems like a mundane, dual, physical existence, bliss practices can be troublesome.

        Never forget that bliss is for everyone because bliss is everyone. It may sound inherently selfish in the end, but the more energy you give(or allow to flow through you), the more energy you receive, and the more bliss will come into your life and the lives around you. It's a good thing.

        Another point to make is that “using” Deeksha may be dangerous as an end in itself. People talk about getting “blissed out” all the time now, and bliss has, for some, replaced the old addictions we've all struggled with in the past. Bliss has become a drug to some people, and that is not the intention if these intensely ego shattering, life changing practices. The mere fact that we can experience bliss as something separate from ourselves in these ever-changing times calls attention to the fact that we need to be careful not to hoard it as something precious, material, and fading. Bliss is here to teach us something, to remind us of the eternal, blissful feeling of nonduality that is the seat of all creation. If we can learn to carry bliss over into our hectic lives, fantastic.

My Introduction to Deeksha

        Now that we've cleared up what Deeksha and bliss do in a practical way, I'd like to tell you how it came into my life. The first time I received Deeksha was from a healer friend who had recently undergone the Oneness Process. I wasn't accustomed to the reverent pomp with which he went about the ceremony – myself being a lone practitioner with a bent toward the “Nothing is true, Everything is allowed” attitude of Kaos magicians and Discordians – and admittedly, I was a little disappointed in the actual experience itself; I didn't really feel anything, and there was no noticeable change afterward. At the end of the session, my friend offered us a tiny image of Ammabhagavan to take home. Being as I am fully willing to invest my time and energy in anything I think might work eventually, I took two.

        At that time I was working with Reiki and the Aka Dua, chanting my own personal mantras in my own personal language, attempting glossolalia to open myself up to the Logos, firing magical intentions into the ether without much ritualistic ado, and sitting back and waiting for results. I wasn't involved in any “bliss practice,” and I wasn't at all familiar with the feeling of bliss.

        Several months later my friend opened up his own healing and meditation center in downtown Hollywood, and my boyfriend and I were present at the dedication. At one point while preparing incense and washing the feet of the divine – another ritual I found to be a little over the top – he said something like, “The energy is really strong in here!” and keeled over in uncontrollable laughter and had to have his partner finish what he was doing. I thought for a moment he may just be totally crazy, but I went along with everything just the same; I interested in bliss and Deeksha, and his personal experience with the Oneness movement had been entirely positive.

        Ever since I “lost my faith” as a teenager, I've struggled to balance the liberating notion that God and I are One with the instinct to fall on the floor and prostrate myself in fearful, tearful, pitiful reverence to that which I deem “holy,” which in a Christian context can be just another word for “scary.” So in the midst of a regular Hindu style ceremony with fire and incense, wondering whether this was all bogus or whether I'm going to have a transcendent experience, I decide to kneel on the floor and put my hands in the prayer position. Of course a few minutes later, my back hurts like hell because I don't kneel often, but I'm unwilling to move to make myself more comfortable because I don't want to interrupt the ceremony.

        Oh, the things I do for Jesus.

        As my friend and another Deeksha giver went around the room in a circle so that each of us received Deeksha twice, once from each of them, some people started laughing. First it was one person, then another, then another, so much so that I figured they were just doing it to fit in. But a few seconds after my friend came and put his hands on me, I felt this strange giddiness gurgle around my belly, and suddenly I found myself chuckling out loud for no apparent reason. My friend laughed with me, and as the laughter became sort of distracting, he changed the position of his hands on my head, and the quality of the energy changed substantially to something much more awe-instilling, as though I was about to break through to another realm of perception.

       Afterwards, I remember driving home with my boyfriend, and we both had this unstated, childlike satisfaction to everything we said and joked about. It was very refreshing, and it was certainly enough to keep me interested and coming back for more.

       At this event my friend revealed that Ammabhagavan had made Deeksha available to everyone. I thought that statement was odd because he had paid $5000 to go through the 21-Day process and become a Deeksha giver. Still he said that all we had to do was touch their image and petition them for Deeksha energy, and it would come through. I was doubtful.

       So while trying to come to grips with my fuck-it-all, Discordian attitude on one side and my tremble-before-the-divine attitude I'd been raised with, I started standing in front of Ammabhagavan's image, folding my hands in the prayer position, and asking them for their blessing. In my own way, I was attempting to bridge the practicality of Kaos magic and self-created spiritual paradigms with what I perceived to be a system outside, above, and beyond myself, something holy and “untouchable.” And even if I did feel something, I was so sure that what I was doing wasn't completely “proper” or “allowed” in the context of the Oneness movement or in the eyes of Amma and Bhagavan themselves that I never conisdered it true Deeksha.

        But one day as I was walking away from their tiny image on my bookshelf, I couldn't take more than two steps before I fell on floor in almost painful laughter. It was like everything in my head and outside my head merged in crazy, blissful union, and it was fucking hilarious.

        Here is my journal entry from that day:

        “Yesterday... I asked Ammabhagavan to give me Deeksha... As I was trying to write something in my diary, I first felt a tremendous gravity from below... then an energy that raised my head upward slightly. I couldn’t believe the power of what I was feeling. I tried to grasp it and tried to direct it... then at the point I finally gave up, I burst into divine laughter. I couldn’t stop for a while and for a while it was so strong nothing was even coming out of my mouth; I was just reeling in this energy.” – Personal Journal, 2-08-08

        Imagine being completely drunk on the funniest thing you've ever heard in your life: That's Deeksha. I was so stunned by this experience that I continued this practice regularly. Still I never considered it “true” Deeksha; I wasn't receiving it from a true Deeksha giver, so how could it be?

My Deeksha Discovery:

       In continuing to open myself to the energy of the Source through a multitude of wonderful practices, I've come farther faster than I ever thought possible. I've become so open that I've been able to channel any kind of energy I choose. It's all a matter of surrender.

        So recently, being the crazy freak that I am and being quite familiar with the unique nature and feeling of Deeksha energy, I thought, “I wonder if I can channel Deeksha,” and decided to give it a go. This was the result:

       "I think I'm gonna explode... I can channel Deeksha. I'd never presume to call myself a Deeksha giver; I haven't been through the process. But it's the same basic energy. I've felt it before enough times to recognize it....” – Personal Journal, 2-27-09

        I was huddled over my computer in a state of staggering bliss, trying not to laugh out loud at the ridiculous nature of my keyboard. I immediately started to grapple with the idea that I could indeed channel Deeksha without an intermediary! It nagged and nagged at me until I found this article:

       “Deeksha was meant to be universal, and truly is. Bhagavan, as an aspect of the Kalki avatar, brought it to humanity, but it was never to be made exclusive to those initiated at Oneness University.

       "Bhagavan knew this, and made statements to this effect just after Deeksha initiation began. This is well documented. Certain elements within the organization assigned exclusivity of the “golden ball” to Bhagavan as the absolute source, so they might have control over it and thus be able to dictate its use and build a structure around it, ostensibly to support it. The unresolved ‘”shadow issues” around power, control (dominance) and greed sprouted into the hierarchical organization that now exists. We do not wish to single out Oneness University and those involved in it, as this has occurred in virtually every large organization during this cycle, and is a deeply engraved aspect of the collective unconscious “shadow.” – Thoth on Ilahinur, Received by Barry Martin Snyder, www.luminousself.com

        That sums up exactly the intuition I had been having about the Deeksha movement, and it put to rest my fears in approaching Ammabhagavan to receive Deeksha energy by myself. I do believe that they are enlightened beings, and as such, they don't hoard energy and they are not jealous for energy. The good work they've done for humanity should truly speak for itself. I also believe that if they had such “bad karma” as to be jealous for Deeksha, the core of this movement would have disintegrated long ago.

Conclusion:

        It's been close to a month since I learned of this incredible gift. I have been making Deeksha energy a part of my life ever since. I've felt it shift things in dramatic ways, and I'm finally realizing the true potential we all have as beings of light. We are prisms refracting god's light in infinite variations.

       I still feel I can't offer people “Oneness Deeksha,” and I'm sure I never will. I would never presume to belittle the 21-Day Process so many people have gone through to open up to this miracle of the Divine. Heck, I'd still give an arm and a leg to go through the Oneness Process myself! But I am doing my own work, opening up in my own ways, and I've come to realize that Deeksha energy is free to everyone. It is free energy for enlightenment.

       I still thank Ammabhagavan for bringing this energy into the world, but above all, I thank the Source. I implore you to invite this energy into your mind, heart, and body for yourself. If you're sensitive to energy, you will feel something right away. If you're not, it might take longer, but you will begin to feel a head change. Eventually it will become dramatic like the phenomena I describe. Once you recognize this energy's signature, you will be able to channel this energy anywhere, anytime

        Anyone can channel anything. It's just a matter of tuning in. Once you know the channel, you can return to it again and again. I am very grateful to Ammabhagavan for bringing this energy into the world. Now it is up to us to spread it around.

~~ Copyright March 2009, M. H. Jenner

11-27-08 – I had a wonderful blessing from Lakshmi this morning. It totally changed my view of Soul Communication. Her personality came through so clearly and warmly, like a gracious host at a beautiful banquet who takes the time to talk to just you and make you feel at ease. I've started to include the request “May this blessing/healing come through my voice” every time I do SC. It reminds me, and hopefully those whom I contact, that I will be speaking as though they are speaking directly through me; I think it sets up an appropriate mindset. The language that was coming through my mouth was very conversational, and the tones were very vocal as opposed to chant- or song-like. After a while her gracious and giving attitude made me laugh quite a lot, and the blessing coming through me turned into precious laughter.

     First Saint Germain. A very intense Violet Fire heart healing. As I finished, the sun came out. Then I had the notion I should work with some entities who are helping humans integrate divine energies and physical energies, not just as in transmutation of physical to spiritual or even blockages to divine light, but the additive and artificial chemicals and toxic garbage that's floating around this earth. I've always thought instead of having to lead a life of complete separation from all of that junk, there must be some way to integrate it and overpower it, like the guru who drank a vile of LSD and nothing happened. I should be able to eat a microwave burrito and not feel sick afterwards, not that I want to.

     I said something like, “I call upon all entities who...” then realized that was too nonspecific. Somewhere in my searching for a label for these types of entities, I heard, “The Angels of Reconstruction.” This may be a name from my subconscious or rational mind, but it doesn't matter. As soon as I heard the name, I felt a strong connection for and affinity to them. I called on them seriously and fervently. For some reason I have it in my mind that they will beef up my muscles somehow or increase the efficiency of my organ systems. The energy and voices that came through were absolutely extraordinary. In the middle of the healing, I heard what sounded like the voices of children outside the window, then the sound of running water. As I opened my eyes, I saw that it was now raining. I was about to finish prematurely but I heard Russell still practicing in the living room so I continued. (I'm paranoid he'll walk in on me making funny sounds. Strange since his warm-ups include vocal exercises that sound just as ridiculous as my glossolalia.) Then another voice came through, very high-toned, very angelic, and it sing-spoke to me in a very warm way. I think it was telling me about the subtle connections of human bodies and angels and healing some of the pain we go through in transition from physical bodies to bodies of increased light. It had a male quality to it, but very understanding, very empathic to the state I am in and so so compassionate.

     Just as I finished and opened my eyes again, I heard Russell singing Oh, Holy Night, and he was just then starting the line, “Oh, hear the angel voices.” Synchronistic enough for ya?

11-21-08 – I just had one of those eye-opening and heart provoking experiences. Seeing as I can't practice Kunlun for a full hour anymore – I'm shy about the meditation room now and I never have time at home – I've just been doing AD channeling and the soul communication stuff. Today I really delved into the soul communication, and I first called on Saint Germain and the Guan Yin. I have absolutely no associations for Guan Yin except that she's beautiful and loving and the embodiment of femininity. And Nick seems to like her. I chanted “from” Saint Germain; I had asked for a blessing of transmutation. Then I chanted “from” Guan Yin and asked for a blessing of healing and general ascension stuff. I had no idea what to expect. Clearing my mind to let it come through, the quality of sound was completely different than that from Saint Germaine and much more song-like. It lasted until it ended, that is, it was very powerful and then just stopped.

     After saying a little salutation to Saint Germain and doing “soul language” as the book calls it, I was overcome by presence. This immensely righteous presence, powerful and kingly, was whooshing through me, almost moving me physically. I started to sob. I was so grateful and thanked Saint Germaine over and over. I don't know what was cleared out, but it was something.

    After saying a little salutation to Guan Yin and doing soul language, I was... this is very odd. I don't recall how I felt at all. I know it was good, and I know there was something significant about it, but I can't really pinpoint what it was. I asked her for healing, I chanted in soul language, I sort of sang, then it stopped. I can't remember what happened after that.

     The real kicker came, though, when I headed back to work. I had a fine time in the car listening to my music, semi-avoiding the new sensations inside me doing this work. As I walked toward the sidewalk, I thought of the monk who is sometimes here selling literature from the Society for Krishna Consciousness and that I'd like to talk to him again. I imagined telling him that I had just called on Guan Yin and that I had a wonderful experience, that I'm opening up a great deal, etc, etc. Then I saw something that looked like one of their small colorful books on a bench up ahead. As I got closer I realized it was a picture of a goddess, then I stopped to pick it up and turned it over. It was a card as would accompany a gift. I opened it to find that the goddess pictured on the front was “Kwan Yin, Goddess of compassion.” I just about fell over. The card is dirty as if it's been run over, and there was a bunch of old tape stuck to the back. Inside it say in print, “May the happiness you bring to others come back to you a thousand fold.” Then in handwriting it says, “And we're back. To my one and only love...” then it's signed with an illegible name. Of I kept it.

     I usually don't have things that obvious happen to me. Guan Yin is, according to Soul Communication, the goddess for the new soul light era. She has a different name, Ling Hui Sheng Shi – which I think is pronounced ling hwei shung shr, if I'm not mistaken, but who the heck knows the tones anyway? I've never really had a resonance with any deity besides Shiva. But to see an obvious message like this, to have it smack me in the face... I'm speechless.

11-17-08 – (UCR, Outside the coffee window, 10:00 AM.) I'm finishing Soul Communication. Shyam gave it to me a long time ago. I really liked the information in it, but for some reason I never got much past the first real exercise and the asking of body parts and organs to heal themselves. It has helped influence my thinking and practices, but there's so much more to be gained from it. I see a direct correlation to the Abramelin or 21st Century Mage in that it teaches you to communicate directly with the divine. What Mage calls the HGA, this book calls the soul. It goes beyond that in that “soul communication” also includes beings from other realms, the souls of universes, saints, angels, etc. It feels a little soft to me in that there isn't much focus except on opening up, but that's where it has to start. Focus on surrender, opening to the divine flow, etc. I've used, as I've mentioned before, the communication mudra and the special mantra to help open me up, but I want to go much further. I think it is, however, a natural addition to or extension of my regular practice.

    (Outside meditation room, 3:20 PM.) The process it describes as soul communication is the same, I'd say, as the knowledge and conversation of the holy guardian angel. Today I used one of the mantras – simply “god's light, god's light” – in my language to make it more personal. I was substituting “VN” for “god”, but I think the concept could be split up; I was uncomfortable with the term “god” and still am, but I think I would be okay with Tao or something to that effect. Still I believe that my focus should be on my HGA and developing that personal relationship. I am very mentally driven and it takes a lot for me to really hear my intuition or higher self or whatever you want to call it. Soul language is basically described as the glossolalia that results from chanting a mantra over and over and letting the words slur together out of mental or logical control. I can already do that very easily, but the specific energy of “soul language” as described in the book is important. Translating that language is the much more difficult part, and that's where I get iffy on the subject. Anyone can channel anything, and I don't trust myself.

         I feel like I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I keep looking at myself and thinking, “Good lord. Am I really that much in my head?” I wonder if I'll ever get clear focus. Ryan read my Jyotish chart and had some illuminating things to say about how I'm often incomprehensible to others, that much of what I say comes out as gibberish. It's been a failing of mine since I was a child; no one's ever understood me. I gave him the example of writing poetry when I was younger. I would pour over every word until each one rung with perfect clarity of meaning. Years later I read them and realized I had been internalizing their meaning and attaching personal significance to them, but they were terrible poems without any verifiable substance. I wonder much the same thing about half the journals I write. I remember feeling a certain way at the time I wrote them, but when I read them later, I sometimes wonder why I left certain things out.

    After some simple meditation this morning I felt pretty full of divine light. I can still connect to it at will, and now it's sort of making me sad that I can't live in that state all the time or throw away my material trappings and immerse myself in the Now completely. If I were to do that, I'd probably face more demons than I'd know how to handle. I should feel grateful for the state I'm in and the opportunities and gifts I have. But sometimes when I'm practicing and in the midst of this blissful energy or extremely high levels of consciousness, I wonder, “What am I gonna do about money? I can't live like this forever. Why do I smoke so much? Why do I drink so much?” Kunlun is a good way to wash all that junk off, but I can't practice in the evening, and the meditation room has been taken over my the Muslim students. I think it's beautiful how they all meet to pray, but I certainly can't erupt into ecstasy while they're there. I get to practice on Tuesday and Thursday, but after the drive back home from San Bernardino, eating lunch and saying goodbye to Russell, I don't have that much time, and I always have the nagging feeling that I'm going to make myself late if I practice too long or close down too long, and it interferes with the practice. Sometimes I'll practice while Russell is jogging and that's nice, but I feel like I should be doing something practical like cleaning the bedroom.

    I don't know where my life is going. I plan to be with Russell for a long time; at least I know that now. I'm afraid he might freak out if I start turning my spiritual and energetic practices into something more tangible like starting a healing business. I don't even know if that's what I want to do. Though I do feel I should be giving something back in all of this personal evolution. I want a fulfilling life. I want to do what I love. What I love seems to be unseen forces. I know I'm on the right path, and I know there's no end to the path, but still, by what personal and practical ends does this path pass?

(AD = Aka Dua. KL = Kunlun. HGA = Holy Guardian Angel. AB = Amma Bhaghavan.)

10-22-08 – Since I got the book I've been dismayed by the fact that I've been practicing KL improperly in a few ways. I thought I'd be ready for Level 2 now, but there are a few things I need to do differently for a while first. Those things are ramping up the practice though, so I'm not worried. What's another month or so?

     Today I practiced at home, rainbow blanket spread on the floor, obsidian sphere beneath me, picture of Amabhagavan and my flute on the table before me. I played some really good healing music including the Sounds of Raphael from Tom Kenyon. There were some emotional blocks lifted and toned away, but it was much smoother than my usual practice. I think all the crystal bowl music did that. I got to a point that's very difficult to describe. Eric mentioned how the Aka Dua can take one into psychotropic-like states at the higher levels. I experienced that today. I practiced KL for a while then felt it was an appropriate time to create a field of AD around me, so I started creating a vortex of Lunar energy around me with a pillar or smaller vortex of Obsidian inside. I've done this before and for some reason the vortex always collapses into this strange sphere/orb with the Lunar inside and the Obsidian surrounding it. Once that happens my consciousness shoots to a level unlike anything I've experienced before. POWER, BLISS, ENLIGHTENMENT, TOTAL AWARENESS. Very much like connecting fully to my HGA, but different somehow. I was blown away. I begged VN to make it stay. I'm definitely changed. I crossed a barrier today. However I do let myself “leak” after a while and fall back into my usual modes. I must try to keep this awareness open.

     As is often the case for my most transcendent experiences, I'm now currently overcome with malaise and negativity. I don't know if I'm processing junk or soaking up negative energies from other people and my environment, but everything is grating on me right now. It happens all the time. It's like the more bliss I feel at one time, the crappier I feel a little later. Of course I know that's not really the case. It's not a balancing act of positive and negative energy or something or someone keeping me in check, never progressing. I just can't really explain why it keeps happening this way. Maybe I'm not detoxifying myself enough or not drinking enough water. I feel sluggish and external stimuli is slightly painful and very annoying.

    10-23-08 – Yes, I believe it is more of a physical thing, actually. Especially considering I was doing so many things together. That's what I like, obviously, but I forget how taxing that can be. Like the language of light blessings from Judy Satori; she always tells you to sip water during and after the transmission and warns that you might get a headache or need to lie down afterward. I was listening to an angelic blessing, doing KL, holding it all in place with the AD, and asking for deeksha from Amma Bhagavan. What did I think was going to happen?

     I mentioned it before, but the difference between asking to receive a deeksha blessing a few months ago and asking now is quite extraordinary. I don't even have to touch the image of AB in order to feel the energy come through. They are so giving and open, it's as though I don't even have to ask for it. I feel strange not asking or just “feeling” the form of my request since they are part of a much more formal spiritual modality. I know they're not traditional gurus or anything like that and they don't ask for exclusive devotion, but not having done the 21-day process or even seeing them in person, I have misgivings about just asking for their energy whenever and wherever in my informal, improvisational style. And yet it always comes through, strong as ever, that warm, melting energy that fuses mental dualities.

     I was reading some earlier entries about the AD and I'm a little disappointed in my reports. So much of it sounds like theory and intellectualization rather than direct reporting of hands-on experience. I just activated the Volcanic variety for the first time in a rather long while – only for a brief moment, however. I've been avoiding the “hotter” forms of the AD because they logically would seem to be contradictory to the KL, but the more I experiment the more I realize they're not incompatible in any way. It still seems weird to activate the Solar variety or the Volcanic variety during KL practice because KL is watery and cool and feminine. But in reading the book, Max often talks about the bliss heat and the fire of this or that. I hate sounding like such a hair splitter, but there are a lot of seeming contradictions in the terminology used in the book and what I've heard Max say myself. That might not speak so much to “flaws” or “imperfections” in the method itself, of course, but more to the fact that a lot of this stuff is based on interpretation and semantics to begin with, just like anything else. I have no problem with that. I just want to know what's helpful and what's harmful. Seeing that these are both types of healing energy and that they're both alchemical in nature, there's probably no way one could cause harm to the body or energy fields in conjunction with the other. Also given the wild nature of KL itself, there might even be something great to gain by playing around with seemingly contradictory energies, i.e., establishing a huge field of Volcanic AD and then practicing KL on top of it. Max does say it's bad to practice in full sunlight, though.

     Different combinations of AD seem to create very specific psychic effects. For some reason I sense the Volcanic would go very well with the KL, perhaps because of its flowing nature. Obsidian is always good. Atmospheric is kind of a mystery to me now, even though I thought it's what I started out with primarily. Oceanic is great for KL. In experimenting with creating vortices, the thought of combining Atmospheric with Oceanic to create a hurricane or waterspout is obvious and undeniable. I'm curious though as to whether the center of a hurricane spins in the opposite direction of the outer rim.

     Obsidian and Lunar go very well together. Oceanic and Lunar do as well. Today I was creating a Solar and Lunar vortex, and that was very illuminating. The energies would seem to be opposite – one cool and feminine, the other hot and masculine – but of course they say the secret behind the sun is the moon, the secret behind the moon is the sun, and this is in keeping with yin and yang principles and all that jazz too.

     It just dawned on me how ridiculous this would all sound to Russell if he were to read it. He believes in energy, but all this stuff about varieties and combinations... he'd think I was bonkers. Well, he thinks that already, but he'd probably divorce me. Ah, well.

     It seems now ever since I've been combining AD and KL, it's impossible for me not to feel a certain bliss energy arise when activating just the AD. I don't know if it's my increased sensitivity, the bliss or magnetic potential arising from practicing the KL, or just an element of the AD I hadn't noticed before(which could also be explained by increased sensitivity.) Obviously I never knew AD alone could take one into altered states of consciousness; I looked at it as a healing energy primarily. Now that I've experienced what I've experienced, it's easier to see how people could use it in art and so on. Assuming one could reach a state of altered consciousness at will with a little concentration and direction, creating art in that state would probably be a blast. I remember Shyam saying that if you surrender fully enough to an energy, you become that energy. I guess that's what's required to get one's self into those states. I can't wait to do it again. I guess the only real opportunity I'll have is next Thursday, which really sucks. Tomorrow I have the middle of the day in the meditation room, but I'm not comfortable enough to surrender fully there, plus I don't have my usual practice items like my chair and loose clothes and my rainbow blanket. (Since reading the book I've become aware that it's important to have the same things with you every time you practice to establish familiarity and an energetic build up in those objects. I suppose that may be why I have the most intense experiences with my sphere and flute and chair. I've decided to use the rainbow blanket as my meditation rug, as I have often used it for meditation and ritual in the past.)

(More from my journal. This is out of sequence with the previous entry. See dates.)

(My "sphere" is obsidian or volcanic glass, clear and red. AD = Aka Dua. KL = Kunlun. GF = Golden Flower meditation.)

    10-15-08 – It really is amazing how significantly different the practice is when I use my sphere. Now I'm obsessed with the idea of buying moldavite which is a similar glass but formed from a meteor impact. I can only imagine what would come from combining the two in a practice session. More interesting I find that Aka Dua practitioners and Kunlun practitioners both claim that using obsidian and meteors significantly enhances the experience. I remember Eric telling me once that Koyote charged a meteor with the Aka Dua and held it up afterward for everyone to see, and Eric could swear it was physically glowing. How did I get myself into these things? If I hadn't met Russell I never would have moved to Riverside and probably never would have heard of the Aka Dua or gone to Ananda's and met Eric, etc. Kunlun and Aka Dua are somehow connected in all of this. I'm not sure what I'm cultivating by using them together, but it should certainly be interesting.

     The power and the light? Yes, that must be it. The ayahausqueros speak of the ayahuasca vine as being the power and the chacruna leaves being the light. Perhaps that's what I've found for myself in an energetic sense. Kunlun is sort of like a magical power, even if that power is just sending yourself into a seizure at will. Many things come from it, of course, like the development of magnetism, which could be considered power, a greater sense of empathy, and if nothing at all, it is the power to reset your body, mind, and spirit. Aka Dua means inner most light. What more need be said?

     So how to use them in conjunction? I've been trying to fill the space in which I'm about to practice KL with AD, but that sometimes impedes practice. Channeling the AD after KL is interesting and can be almost orgasmic in a way – different from the orgasmic feeling of KL. Somehow more organic – but it can also lead to bursts of more KL if you're not careful. Still, I think that might should be the order of it: KL then AD to cultivate the energy spent. I have the question of whether or not to close down from KL first or channel AD and then close down. There's also the difficult possibility of trying to channel AD while practicing Kunlun, with the eyes for example, but sometimes I have a hard enough time surrendering to the KL. Another thing I find interesting is that Max espouses living in the center of the body, or the middle dan tien – that's where one closes down after practice – and the AD is supposed to be generated from the Solar Plexus. So when I'm closing down from KL practice, I often have the inkling to channel AD from around the same area and cultivate that along with the energy I'm giving out – because nei gung is about an outward flow. I guess I need to experiment and not speculate about these things. I just remembered – figured out really – that I have another hour till my next class, so I'm going to go practice some more.

     I tried using different varieties of the AD during KL practice. I alternated doing KL, filling up my “core” or central pillar with AD, then doing more KL. They seem to be reenforcing of each other; KL was stronger the second time after AD, AD was stronger the second time after more KL, etc. Lunar variety seems to work very subtly and smoothly with the KL, but that may be its nature in general. I tend to see it not as the bright white light of the moon but as the eerie bluish hue cast on everything upon which it shines. It seems to work with the KL to cultivate a feeling of contentment and fullness. Eric associates the Unnamed variety with the Void, so I had that impression in my head the entire time. However it does seem to encourage the KL to go crazy, as it were. Obsidian variety stops the KL more than any other. Its superstable nature just keeps everything stuck in place. Atmospheric was a little fuzzy for me, but I didn't play with it much.

    Then I tried to Oceanic variety. I have almost no experience with the Oceanic variety by itself. I always imagined a sort of oceanic womb mother kind of feeling, but boy was I wrong. I thought about it – maybe I should try Oceanic. KL loves water – but immediately admitted I didn't even know if I could channel the Oceanic variety. I've tried before but nothing major really came of it. Until now. I was pounded by huge waves of bliss again and again. My whole body responded. It was extraordinary. I will try the Volcanic out of curiosity and the Solar out of morbid curiosity – you're not supposed to practice KL in full sunlight – and there may be something special to be gleaned from using the Jaguar subvariety, but I don't even know if I can channel that yet. I guess I'll go try. There might be a sort of similar energy there, the fierceness of the jaguar ala the fierceness of the dakinis or the dragons.

    Okay. I completely forgot about the Jaguar subvariety just now. I just kept working with the Oceanic instead. I'm figuring out that regardless of the order one does these things, it still all depends on attitude, intent, and surrender. I suppose there is a distinction to be made between surrender and mental vacuity, although they do go hand in hand, in essence; a state of mental vacuity often leads to a big jolt of KL, leading one to believe that was a moment of surrender, when it was truly just a moment of mental surrender or abandon. To surrender really means to trust completely, not exactly to fall back into the arms of the KL or the Tao or whatever. To just be and to just be willing. Considering my trust issues, I'm surprised I've gotten this far with the KL. I decided also to practice the Red Sun Method for the first time in several months, I believe. It was more intense than the first time, and I believe I really truly opened another big emotional block. Or at least I was shown how much farther I have to go. However, that is the first and most important step.

    As I was raising the little glowing ember up to my heart area and making it hotter and hotter, saying “melt, melt,” I thought I might not have enough breath to get it all the way up there and keep it there for a while. I kept going anyway, kept it there for as long as I could, and BANG! There was a definite pop or blast or something, and I let out and breathed. I saw this weird fractured pattern of colors in my vision, then I coughed hard. As I kept breathing and gaining composure, this terrible feeling of hurt and sadness swept over me for no reason. I started sobbing and almost fully crying. There was tangible knot in my chest that had been loosened, and I could feel it trying to tighten itself up again. I just felt the feeling of sadness – which I can still tap into now, now that I feel about it – and tried to smile to open the crown chakra. After a while I did GF with KL and that seemed to purify the feeling. Definitely not for the faint of heart, and definitely not something to do all the time.

    I find it remarkable that I have all these tools available to me to help me ascend. I find it less than ironic that I still smoke and drink and hide myself; it's all perfectly simple. What could be more fitting than a fully realized individual who drinks and smokes? I have to admit that would be pretty badass. It's a dream and a half to be fully integrated like that. But what about knowing what's bad for you and when to stop?

(Journal abbreviations:  AD = Aka Dua.)

    10-20-08 – I went to a healing circle at the Life Arts Center in downtown Riverside yesterday. It was hosted by the Tequihua Foundation, of course. It was pretty amazing. There were lots of AD practitioners there, some Reiki masters, newcomers who just bumped into Eric or whatever, people he works with at UCR, etc. I learned a few new techniques, like creating a vortex around the room with a smaller vortex in the middle spinning the opposite directions(like a hurricane). People brought singing bowls and bells, a glockenspiel, and I brought my flute and obsidian sphere. The shaman who headed the healing, Jim Three Feathers, was very interested in the sphere, and after I had piped in a little(pun intended) here and there with my flute to counterpoint the sound healing, he looked me dead in the eyes – I didn't shake – and everyone stopped the session at the same time. Every time we just seemed to know that it was over. Very powerful connections, like when I played at the expo in Pasadena with Pilar; we both just knew when to stop.

     We did healings on three different people while Jim Three Feathers worked more closely on the person. We sent the AD through the sound of the bowls and bells and chimes and drums. I was nervous, as always, about using my flute at first, but I got a glance, two different times, from another Level III AD practitioner and she nodded when I raised my flute. It felt wonderful to have that kind of instant understanding and acknowledgment without having said a word to each other; she knew exactly what I was asking: “Is this okay?” And it was. It was also fascinating to see one woman just open up an amazing amount while the energy was flowing through her. She opened up like she was doing Kunlun, shaking around and mumbling and really physically working things out of her system. I didn't know the AD could do that. I suppose it's just her particular reaction to it, and she did seem to have a lot of issues. One of those who could actually be kind of annoying as a healer, at least to me. She was working something out of a woman's chest who was on the table, and she kept saying, “Do you want it gone? Do you want it gone? You gotta want it,” and things like that. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but I found it a little distracting. For some that might be a good thing. There was another woman there who seemed absolutely fierce. She was an artist and made jewelery using the AD. I'm not exactly sure how to apply the AD to art – it's an aspect of the Work that I'm not really familiar with – but a lot of people seem to use it more specifically for art and creative endeavors than for healing.

    I'm ready for my Level II. It's been over a year since I first received that transmission. I've had plenty of time to adjust to it, though I'm still discovering more about it all the time. I've had plenty of time to save money for it(amongst other things) and I've failed to do that as well. I know Russell will be upset if I spend $100 all at once, but whatever. We spend that much on alcohol in a matter of days or a weekend. I spent a lot of money at the wineries this weekend(though it was amazing food.) I can only see good things happening if I go for my Level II attunement. Acceleration, acceleration, acceleration. Here we go.

Once again I neglect you, dear blog. I guess something will happen and I'll feel like writing everything to everyone in public forum, then I start to retreat again and deal with intimate personal issues, then once I break through those issues I want to share again. Yes, I believe that's the order of it with me.

Posts and snippets from journals entries, etc.

~~~~

(Regarding moving Richard to San Francisco...)

9-2-08 – The trip was nice. My legs and feet hurt. We walked everywhere. We walked all the way from Broadway and Van Ness to Haight-Ashbury. We took the bus back. Richard and I, I think, were being as “us” as we could considering our limited amount of time to spend together. He kept wanting to do what we wanted to do because, his reasoning went, he would have the rest of his life – or however long he stays there – to explore, but he wanted us to have fun now. On Monday we got up fairly early and checked out of the hotel. We went to Daly city so Russell could look at discus fish. Then we drove up the Great Highway to China Beach, which took a lot longer than it should have because it was Labor Day. Russell wanted to hear Company, and by the time we got to Being Alive, I was a blubbering mess. Although I didn't let on about it to anyone. It seems to be a recurring theme lately to drive around with beautiful friends listening to music that always makes me cry anyway but under tender circumstances. I was crying to The Glorious by Brett Dennon for almost an entire quarter, then I had the audacity to bring it with me to Baton Rouge, and while Davida and I were driving down the street going to pick up Johnnie and some friends, I lost it. Then yesterday I'm driving around the Pacific coast and I completely lose it while listening to Sondheim. Too many connections. Davida loves Sondheim. I don't know why Russell wanted to hear that and I don't know what these strange threads are that tie us all together, but I know that I just had to say goodbye to my best friend for the second time in my life. I never really thought it was possible to have two best friends; I've always considered it a contradiction in terms. Maybe it's just the distance between me and Chad. We rarely talk on the phone and I'm not a good phone conversationalist anyway.

     On Geary and Leavenworth a few steps down from a dim sum restaurant, we dropped Richard off to his new life. He was excited and cheery, but I could tell he was holding back the emotion. He hugged me four nonconsecutive times, and we held each other for several seconds each time. I think neither of us wanted to start bawling in the middle of the sidewalk, so we kept it to a minimum. But as soon as I got in the van and saw him walking down the street alone, that skinny little body wandering against the backdrop of San Francisco looking for things to write about and draw, I completely broke down. I don't know why this occurred to me, but before we left the house to start packing his stuff from his old apartment on Saturday, I had an inkling that I should give him something magical. The only thing I could think of – and I don't even know if this is appropriate or just masturbatory – was the first magical object I ever made, a flat sandstone with the glyph of a protector spirit scratched on it. I slipped it into his pocket while we were saying goodbye. He didn't notice. Since he doesn't have a phone I haven't been able to talk to him and find out whether or not he's found it. I'm sure he has. I hope he didn't toss it away or something. I don't know why I gave it to him. But it was the last thing I thought about before leaving the house and the last thing I remembered before saying goodbye. So it's his now.

    I'm so bad at relationships in that I rarely remember specific conversations or exchanges. I mean, I remember all kinds of things we've said to each other, but it's more in thoughts and feelings than words. I try to write dialog of the two of us and I can't think of a damn thing. Rick is so full of information, I'd be afraid of misquoting him or misrepresenting him.

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(Regarding Kunlun practice, using substances in conjunction with...)

9-5-08 – So I haven't been practicing Kunlun much because of practical necessities and time constraints. We were in SF last weekend plus Monday, Tuesday I worked in Indio, Wednesday I was trying to get stuff done around the house but practiced a little, and yesterday I practiced for a little while as well. But something has been going on when I practice lately. A tightness or strange feeling of overexertion. When I first started practicing it was slightly apparent, but I would stick it out and push through the tired feeling because I wanted to get to the bliss. Now it seems the bliss is always available but I just need to remind myself of it. I'm noticing very much the position in which I sit, the feel of the energy as it moves through my spine, my central channel, etc. It's become apparent that the movements are in response to the body's resistance to the flow of Kunlun energy. I find myself with a fierce expression on my face, like a demon or angry dakini, and I wonder whether I'm blocking something or truly transcending. I try to smile as much as possible, as Max instructs, but sometimes it's extremely difficult to get my facial muscles into that position. Lately I've been setting up a space on the coffee table in front of the TV, moving it forward to give myself some room, and invoking VN, clearing my central channel with the Aka Dua, and then starting practice. Aka Dua facilitates Kunlun in that it clears up the channels and smooths out the transition. But AD during KL practice usually detracts from the KL experience. I've been contemplating practicing while stoned out of my mind, which is dangerous, but tempting like a Datura flower blooming in the moonlight. I can imagine if one were to practice for long periods of time every day, one would quickly find old habits and patterns falling away. Although Max says it's the quality and not the frequency of practice that counts, something must be said for frequency; the more one practices the more familiar one becomes with one's resistances, surely. I think I'm contemplating blowing my head open again by using some sort of substance before KL practice because I like the danger and I like big whopping experiences to remind me of what I'm striving for; I guess I've never liked doing things a little bit at a time. I got pretty drunk last night and was still tipsy this morning. I've been drinking coffee like mad and feel better now, but I think I took Aleves last night and that was a very bad idea. Although I'm not feeling top notch, I have noticed the KL energy coming through very easily this morning. I don't know if it's because of my soft mental state or because of the Aleves or the coffee, but I feel today is a great day to practice. It is 9 Eb, a day of standing in one's strength and will. I think I'll go for the gold today. If I don't make it back, this journal is for everyone.

9-7-08 – That was a wonderful practice. I suppose the Salvia and Egyption Blue Lotus were completely unnecessary, but they confirmed the fact that Kunlun is strong enough by itself if you just let it be. Of course I knew that, but I always need reminders.

So after rereading my first post about the Kunlun seminar, I realized just how much the experience has changed for me since then. Because I'm constantly going through shifts with the energy and experiencing different results every time I practice, I fail to realize just how different it is now until I look back on my initial experiences.

Since then the energy has been coming through for me faster and faster. I can barely remain in the Kunlun posture for more than a few seconds before my left hand starts to swirl around and rise up toward my right. Then usually when it gets close enough my left and right wrists touch, my hands spin around, and I sweep my palms across each other. This usually results in a big burst of energy and that starts me moving.

I also start speaking in "tongues" almost immediately now as well. (In quotes because I don't consider these sounds a language but sort of the science of producing sounds to generate a specific energetic effect. I consider them similar to the "Languages of Light" channeled by some healers.) It's as thought the two experiences have been linked up for me now, though I can do one without the other if I wish.

The movements have gotten more fierce and fast. There's a shaky, trembling quality to the energy that wasn't always there before. It's as though there's a slight electric current being applied somewhere inside my body that causes my muscles to tremble and my body to shake. It didn't used to be so internal for me.

When I first started Kunlun, I was worried because I would shake and tremble for a few seconds and then stop. It was as though my mind was interfering, saying, "No, no. Calm down now. What's all this thrashing about? You should stop and think about stuff." Just a few days ago I was moving around so incredibly fast and changing positions so fast I almost hurt my wrist. I had to tone it down a bit. But this just goes to show how my mind has surrendered a little more, allowing me to give myself up to the energy and move from one position to the next without thinking about what I'm doing, whether or not I'm doing it or the the Kunlun is, or why I'm doing it.

Okay, I'm gonna get intimate now. A very dear friend of mine went in for heart surgery a few days ago. She was at one of the best heart hospitals around, and although the surgery was a serious one, no one was expecting any complications. They opened her up, replaced a valve, and the valve tore. They replaced it a second time, closed her up, and she started suffering from internal bleeding very badly. They opened her up again, fixed the problem, and an artery failed, so they had to remove a piece from her leg to replace it. They've kept her open just in case anything else goes wrong.

They day I heard all of this, I got very emotional. I haven't spent much time with her for quite a while and communication between us wasn't so good. I visited her in the hospital when she was admitted, but that didn't seem like enough. The only thing I could think of to do at this point was long-distance healing. I created a sigil that meant "PERFECT HEALTH" and wrapped it mentally around her. I started practicing Kunlun and charging it with the Aka Dua.

This was a strange experience because while I was myself being emotionally cleansed and purging because of the Kunlun, I was intending that this energy be directed toward her and her recovery. So I was being filled with all these strange images and voices questioning my love, asking me why I wasn't there, telling me to keep going, etc. I cried and cried and cried. At a few places the crying turned to laughter, but mostly I believe I was puring some of the enmity between us for not having communicated and not having been there for each other in the past few years. I had to concentrate very strongly on the fact that my love is not mutable, it doesn't change, no matter what we do or don't do to each other, I'll always be here. (Though not necessarily there. That's hard for some people to understand.)

Personally -- since this blog is about me -- it was one of the most intense and important sessions ever. I had to stay at my heart with the Golden Flower mudra for what seemed like an eternity. So many tears, so much blockage. I never realized how closed my heart actually was. It's crazy! When I finally felt comfortable enough to move the GF mudra to my 3rd Eye, it was the most blissful, serene, open feeling I've ever had in my head without taking some kind of drug. This was more than that though. At once I felt my mind turn off but still had the awareness to realize just how empty and open I was. It felt as though my mind were a dark cave and a wall had just ruptured and a river burst through to wipe it clean. The stream continued for... god knows how long, and after I felt I was done, that blissful and calm feeling remained.

In summary, it's amazing to me how far one can get without realizing it at all. I look at myself and think, "Damn, child. You've got miles to go before you sleep." But look how far I've come, look how far I've come. :-)

THE BEGINNING:

6-28-08 – I had an amazing practice with Nick the other day. I had gone down to Escondido to visit my mother and pick up an old hard drive from her computer. Nick and I had tentatively scheduled that I would come over afterwards. I thought it somehow appropriate that I was seeing my mother – whom I never ever see – on the first day I was going to practice Kunlun with another person. I was more excited about the practice initially, but my mother and I seemed to be getting on quite well. I taught her a few things on the computer, and we decided to go get sushi for lunch, which used to be out “thing.”

THE QUESTION:

We went out and spent a lot more time together than I expected, and I was completely unprepared for a big question she hasn't dared to ask me since I left home. She said, “So, what do you believe?” I said, somewhat smugly, “I believe a lot of things, mom.” I knew that wouldn't suffice and my mind raced for something to say about what I “believe” that wouldn't completely freak her out. I told her I believed in cycles, in a somewhat altered version of reincarnation. I was skirting around the fact that I do believe in the permanence of consciousness and the soul.

We didn't get too deep, but that was enough for both of us, I think, to simply open a dialog. When it comes to change, everything has to happen very slowly for her, and it was a huge step to actually open herself enough to ask me what I believe. A few years ago if I had tried to tell her, she would have said she didn't want to hear and walked into her room and cried. We cried a little as we said goodbye. It was purging. No bawling, just gentle weeping and a warm flow of love and a mutual understanding that we don't really understand each other's spirituality. I felt good about it.

THE JOURNEY:

I suppose it was the opening of that particular emotional channel that set me off on a tirade of anger and meanness as I drove all the way toward Encinitas in classic San Diego traffic. I was bitchy. I was driving fine, but everyone and everything was pissing me off. It also didn't help that I couldn't get a hold of Nick; his phone wasn't accepting calls and I didn't remember which exit to take to get to his house or even if he was in the same house as the last time I was there. I was texting him while driving, asking him to find a payphone to call me because he couldn't make calls either. I took one exit and drove a long while before I decided it was completely wrong. I tried two exits down and figured it would be just my luck that it was probably the one I passed. But it looked familiar. I drove around and got passed on the right by angry San Diegan speed demons and honked at by a truck that didn't know how to use his brakes down hill. I was in a bad mood. Gas is expensive. I probably wasn't going to find Nick's house, or if I did he probably wouldn't be there.

I found the house eventually and I didn't see Nick's car. There was a foreboding truck in front of it and it didn't look exactly the way I remembered on the outside, so I figured he had moved. I called and called but wasn't brave enough to knock. I sent texts, I sent IMs. Finally, despondent and drained, I messaged him saying I would be at the meditation gardens by the SRF temple. I began my search, and just as I was nearing Yogananda's old stomping grounds, Nick messaged me back on AIM(on my phone) and said, What? I'm here! Come back! etc., etc. And, Did you knock, silly? I was still perturbed but realized that I couldn't stay mad if we were going to practice now; I really did want to practice with him and... well, it's just impossible to stay mad at that boy. And deep deep down I truly knew that all this perturbation and disruption of my recent cheery mood was happening for a reason. I told Nick he owed me one, and he said okay, but then we talked some and he agreed it was probably the Kunlun throwing me off my rockers so we could have some great openings today. I felt better almost immediately.

THE PRACTICE:

His roommate was leaving at the very moment I arrived, so if I had gotten there earlier we would have had to wait until she left to really start. Damn universe. We lit incense and he laid out a large crystal grid between two chairs facing each other with my giant red obsidian sphere in the very middle. We put on various types of music in a play list. I wasn't really sure how to start. Do we “direct” the energy to each other? Is there some special mindset I need to have for this? I didn't know what to expect. We relaxed and breathed for a while, and then we just started opening up.

Almost instantly I could feel the energy physically between us, pushing and pulling. The balance was incredible. I'd start coughing and he'd start laughing. He'd open something up and my hands would thrash back and forth toward him, expelling more energy. There were times the energy was so strong I felt like my head was going to completely erupt. Several moments for me were very much like a strong spiritual orgasm; that's all I can think of to call them. We both did things we haven't done before. I didn't expect that because he's been practicing so much longer than me. I screamed in ecstasy, he whistled. He did strange “tricks” to me like energizing water and splashing the top of my head with it. I melted. I've never felt the sensual or tactical element of bliss so strongly. Every sensation was intense and beautiful, like I could lose myself in one touch forever. It was extraordinary.

We took breaks in between our sessions. There were times I felt Nick was opening up more than me and experiencing more, and I had just reached a point of resignation. But all I had to do was really let myself go and make it okay. At one point while we were standing up, Nick fell into very intense bliss. I can't remember what set it off. He went down to the floor and started kicking around. I moved his chair out of the way so he could stretch out. He was moving every direction and going crazy for quite a long time. I got a crazy idea and went into his room, grabbed my Native American flute and snuck up behind him and played a fierce loud and low note while flicking my tongue. It sounded kind of like a mini-didgeridoo. That put him in a nice place and we played like that for a while. Eventually he was going so far out of reach I felt I should touch his feet. Then I touched his knees and it grounded him a lot more. Eventually he came to.

THE SPHERE:

I was a little jealous of his “trip” because, apart from not having much space in my apartment to stretch out, I've never fallen on the floor and gone crazy quite like that. I know that's not what it's about, but part of me wants to not have to surrender and just be blown away and lose control. But boy was I in for a surprise. (Continued 6-29-08) We were so generally blissed out that I can't recall exactly when or how we stopped and started again, but we had a few more sessions and I was feeling a little drained and wasn't quite feeling the energy as strongly anymore. It was all mental blockage of course. I was running things through my head, still trying to figure out what this should be, how I should behave, what I should do, etc.

I sat there in my chair looking at Nick for a while. I saw his half-opened eyes and he saw me. He was falling in and out of bliss. I was sort of jealous that he was still open and I was having difficulty. Finally I decided I had to get physically closer to him to connect better. I knelt down in front of him and worked with the energy for a little while. Then spontaneously I felt I should give him the obsidian sphere to hold. I said, “Hey, Nicky. Hold this.” He said, “Oh, no,” but let me plop it into his cupped hands. I stood off to the side in the space where he had been blissing out on the floor for some reason, as if I was just going to stand and watch, when suddenly this huge force with strength I've never imagined grabbed a hold of my lower dantien and hurled me to my knees. I let out a loud cry as I hit the floor, and I was done for. I have never felt so overtaken by any type of energy in my entire life. I shook my hands out as if possessed, I kicked my feet, and howled and moaned, I raised my hands to the sky and shook them, I spoke in tongues, I wailed in ecstasy. I can't recall how long it lasted. Several minutes. I felt the energy deep inside my body, in my muscles, in my organs. I felt absolutely amazing. I had no control over what the energy was doing to me and I didn't want any. It was incredible. At that moment I felt fully immersed in the Kunlun experience with no expectations or questions or whatever. There was no egoic direction like, “Come on now. Are you really feeling that good?” or, “Do you really need to be trashing about so?” I was bliss.

THE RESULT:

From that point on, everything was different. I was laughing a lot more and felt more open to do whatever I wanted or needed. I could have done that before, but... So we played and played and played some more. We got closer and the energy flowing through us together was intense. I moved one way and he moved to balance it out perfectly. Once I was prostrate with my head on the floor in front of him, and I raised my head up slowly, eyes closed, to find he was automatically lowering his head to mine. It was pretty incredible. I suppose it was some kind of bliss tantra, but there wasn't a real sexual component to the bliss we were feeling. Sex would have paled in comparison at that moment.

I had to leave soon after that and get back up north. It was difficult to say it. It was difficult to separate, not in that we were emotionally invested in each other; we were both having our own experiences separately together. I didn't feel all tangled up inside him. Getting off the floor and away from Nick felt funny, like a tree suddenly uprooting itself and skipping about. I was all giggles and bliss after that. And since then it's been so much easier to hone in on that feeling of bliss in anything. Sometimes I'll just brush up against something and the feeling seems to last forever and shocks me into a feeling of giddiness. I can open up to the Kunlun much more quickly, and the practice seems to be balancing out. One arm isn't doing one thing while the other does another. I'm more symmetrical in my movements. My stomach feels different. I'm feeling the energy on a deeper visceral level.

I'm changed forever.