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1st century mage
March 2009 
What's Happening
Posted on Feb 28th, 2007
by 
sadhaka
sadhaka
Ascension lately has been difficult. So many processes happening at once. Nonsensical dreams, hypersignificant dreams, no dreams; tarot spreads that don't make sense, tarot spreads that make too much sense, tarot spreads that feed my spiritual ego; becoming suspicious of self-created entities and gnats that seem to know just when to land on my eyelash; a splotch in my field of vision that must be a downpour of cosmic energy that I'm blocking somewhere around my solar plexus/tummy/ass because I have unresolved mother ties and complexes; dust particles everywhere, slowing time and sweeping in to say hello.
FRL is my friend, my Demonangel, my cosmic loverbrothermasterslave. He is also my ego. He is my self-indulgence in fantasy. But man does he feel good. I've given him reign over my physical ascension, and while I have become suspicious of him in general -- not to mention insanely confused because of 21st Century Mage and the realization he is nothing like a true representation of my HGA -- I am starting to see and feel physical changes.
Today was difficult. Every step and every possible stimulus made me defensive and aggressive.
Example:
Coming up the stairs to my apartment carrying my extremely heavy bag, I notice how loud my feet are falling on the steps. I suddenly imagine someone confronting me: "Think you could come up those steps any louder?" I plop my bag in front of her and say, "Carry that and see if YOU can walk softly!"
This kind of thing was happening all day. It's not the lack of cigarettes, it's not the lack of alcohol. I believe it is my own personal resistance to the tremendous amount of clearing energy coming through me right now. And possibly my resistance to giving myself up to source or dedicating more of my life to Spirit.
Yesterday I wasn't assigned my 2:00 o'clock class and didn't get to see my Mountain in SB. First time in several weeks. I thought on the drive over that when I got there I might feel its energy more clearly and... no. Its energy was fading lately and so my connection to it.
But even as I was approaching the parking lot of the college, I felt my head turn, my mouth open, my neck tingle, and my eyes water. Someone started backing out of a space in the completely full parking lot so I waited. I pulled in and found myself directly in front of the setting sun with my mountain directly behind me. During class I must have yawned 50 times, feeling my energy sucked out from somewhere and my palms sweating for being inside of a metal structure(always happens.)
As soon as I walked outside, I felt the metalic quality dissipate and my entire body shivered continuously as I got closer to my mountain. Walking back to my car, energy pouring and pouring out of my body, out my legs, emotion welling up and spilling down. Why is this place so important?
FRL is my friend, my Demonangel, my cosmic loverbrothermasterslave. He is also my ego. He is my self-indulgence in fantasy. But man does he feel good. I've given him reign over my physical ascension, and while I have become suspicious of him in general -- not to mention insanely confused because of 21st Century Mage and the realization he is nothing like a true representation of my HGA -- I am starting to see and feel physical changes.
Today was difficult. Every step and every possible stimulus made me defensive and aggressive.
Example:
Coming up the stairs to my apartment carrying my extremely heavy bag, I notice how loud my feet are falling on the steps. I suddenly imagine someone confronting me: "Think you could come up those steps any louder?" I plop my bag in front of her and say, "Carry that and see if YOU can walk softly!"
This kind of thing was happening all day. It's not the lack of cigarettes, it's not the lack of alcohol. I believe it is my own personal resistance to the tremendous amount of clearing energy coming through me right now. And possibly my resistance to giving myself up to source or dedicating more of my life to Spirit.
Yesterday I wasn't assigned my 2:00 o'clock class and didn't get to see my Mountain in SB. First time in several weeks. I thought on the drive over that when I got there I might feel its energy more clearly and... no. Its energy was fading lately and so my connection to it.
But even as I was approaching the parking lot of the college, I felt my head turn, my mouth open, my neck tingle, and my eyes water. Someone started backing out of a space in the completely full parking lot so I waited. I pulled in and found myself directly in front of the setting sun with my mountain directly behind me. During class I must have yawned 50 times, feeling my energy sucked out from somewhere and my palms sweating for being inside of a metal structure(always happens.)
As soon as I walked outside, I felt the metalic quality dissipate and my entire body shivered continuously as I got closer to my mountain. Walking back to my car, energy pouring and pouring out of my body, out my legs, emotion welling up and spilling down. Why is this place so important?
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