Once again I find myself falling away from the pull for community. What may be an excellent resource I find myself resenting because I have no "real" community of people close to me, next to me, IRL, that I can gather with and do the things we Others like to do.

    While trying not to foster this resentment for all you happy people out there awakening to Source and trying to realize that your journeys are just as hard if not harder than mine, I write and write and write for myself. What a pompous ass I can be.

    There is so much going on all the time. Why am I not sharing? Fech. Take! I've got plenty. You're all gorgeous and I'm sorry for ignoring you. May you never read this. HA!

    Journal entries and random notes to follow.

    Your humbled aqua-dog,

                                 sadhaka

(From 7-2-07)

    Many things have started to come together into a cohesive framework for me. Little things that I noted and whose meanings I obsessed over seem to be clear now. The Spot I  kept/keep seeing in moments of energetic conflict and stressed about -- I thought it  might be a vision problem or something worse like an indication of epilepsy or some sort of  vasoconstriction -- seems to be a simple energetic indicator; it tells me that one energy  is opposing another, e.g. mine to someone else's or vice versa, and that I can and most likely  should attempt to balance myself in order to allow all said energies to merge and flow  together. The little pinpoints of light I would see sometimes have become indications that the energies have indeed merged successfully or that I have initiated something useful or appropriate to the situation at hand. I experience this when doing energy work on R, for instance. Moving my hand, feeling around, something will eventually click in my tactile energetic perception and I'll 'see' the energy sink in to  the center of my field of vision as one of these pinpoints of light.

    Concerning the way things have been changing/growing lately, I've started to notice lots of things whizzing by me in response to, I believe, a combination of putting out good energy -- pushing these things away -- and  'holes' in my auric field -- pulling them close  -- or areas that need more attention and light.  I've noticed this for some time with 'bug indicators' like gnats or flies that seem to  buzz around a certain area showing me what I need to pay attention to. These indicators are slightly different, however. They look like little bugs -- maybe because that's what I'm used to -- but I think they're less serious than actual bugs; they're not material(yet) and can be banished more easily. (Every time I encounter  a gnat that won't go away I'm reminded of Castaneda and the Guardian of the Gate.)

    I believe the Whiter than White Light --  I don't know what to call it -- is helpful with  this. It seems to burn through detritus at an unprecedented rate. I'm still unclear as to its meaning or purpose of even its vibration as distinct from that of the sun. It doesn't seem like ddddt [Mistake. Taken as posisble signature of the aforementioned energy ] just energy from the Sun, it doesn't  seem like the white light of Buddha or Christ(which I think are probably different rays anyway), and it's definitely different from the white light I experienced emanating from my HGA.  It is unclear whether this light is the light of Sirius, the Light of Creation, the Metatronic Energy. It seems to be purging or purifying. I wonder if I can sum it up in a symbol or sigil and work with it as an independent inspiration rather than defining it as something someone else has discovered, created, or channeled. It is both highly intense and highly calming.

(From 7-5-07. Slight fiction.)

    I'm walking down the hall at work and there's some kind of clip nailed into the wall to my right -- possibly for hanging signs -- and every time I pass it I think it's a roach.  Two weeks ago for at least a week solid there was a roach in the men's restroom.  The damn thing was stalking me.  Almost bit my head off.  The first time I saw him he was lurking around the toilet bowl on the floor, I shrieked and jumped back. Didn't pee the rest of the day.

     The next day I thought I was safe, but as soon as I unzipped he started running berserk around the sink in every direction shouting war cries.  He wanted blood.  The next few days I avoided the restroom entirely and used the public's restroom, which can be an experience almost as horrifying as battling blood-thirsty roaches.  I've never seen stains that color.  Or that shape.  Then finally I braved the back bathroom once more and found him hiding between the trashcan and the wall holding an axe and laughing hysterically.

    Next morning he was IN the trashcan, and I thought, ah, ha.  He doesn't know I'm here and he's let his guard down.  So I picked up the trashcan and headed toward the toilet bowl.  He made a dash and tried to take my arm off, but I was too quick for him.  I turned the can around just in time as he was climbing up the side and dumped him in the bowl.  It felt like minutes as I recall peering into the bowl with the trashcan resting on it in an attempt to trap him.  He was upside down, the sick bastard, and I fumbled for the flush... on the wrong side of the toilet.  I thought he'd escape, of course, and I'd be done for, but I found it just in time and I heard him swear his revenge as he spun and plunged to his death.

    The next day he was back.  We won't even go into that.

    All comedy aside, I take bugs as indications or concentrations of really bad energy, at least in instances such as this.  That week was a sort of transition for me, and in that transition I brought all the muck and psychic slime that goes on in my head about this profession.  I think the transition was successful as I feel more relaxed now, happy, and confident coming to work here than ever before. 

    However, I may only have pushed the muck somewhere else; the other day I went to take cans into the outside closet and there he was, bigger and meaner looking than ever, in a tattered bandana, ripped wife-beater and camo pants sharpening a machete.

    I think he picked up a few things in the sewer.

    Interesting experience today. Different department, many incustodies. My heart goes out to some of them and some of them I just want to go away. There was this one guy who came in, sitting as far away from me as possible, and as soon as I saw him I thought, "Coke." Not sure what the indicators are; seeing someone drug-drained, most people would just say, "Wow. He's done too many drugs," or something to that effect, but I seem to be able to tell which drug exactly(assuming, of course, we're not talking about poly-substance abuse, alcohol excepted since everyone who does drugs drinks.) Lo and behold, it turned out he was in for possession of cocaine.

    I started thinking about sending Reiki to these people, but I've only been attuned to Level I so my range is limited. I started it flowing for one lady who made me feel sad. Not much draw for lack of range, but soon I started to feel incredibly tired, whereas I was fine before. I could barely keep my eyes open after a while. I started wondering why I was getting so tired and assumed it was the milk in my latte, but shouldn't the coffee make up for that? Then I thought it might be someone in the audience, or the entire audience even, and I tried to shield myself, but I couldn't stay sharp long enough to make it count and I had to concentrate on working.

    After this one guy was done and went into the back room, it was like the lights in the room snapped on and all of a sudden I could keep my eyes open, focused, and everything was fine. I'm trying to do better this afternoon, invoking frequently.

    Briefly speaking to a freind on Zaadz made me realize I haven't been remembering my dreams lately. I find myself moving away from dream interpretation as a means of self-exploration and discovery; everything I need access to is in waking life now. But I have been, for the past several days, been remembering very old dream fragments at random times. I may not even be dozing off or day-dreaming, just looking at something, someone, saying something, etc., and suddenly I remember an old dream or part of one.

    It goes along too with this strange sense lately that as soon as I make myself aware of someone, i.e. let them into my field of perception, I suddenly 'smell' something. Someone was being arraigned today and as soon as I let myself become aware of him after he walked up past the bar, I smelled jalapenos. Driving past some big trucks today on Monroe Street, I smelled smoked beef jerky. I wonder if these are just personal unsconcious psychic associations or actual psychic information. It's hard to test. Also very frequently when I'm centering myself or trying to just pass off  perceptions as one-sided or biased in order to maintain balance, I smell the incense I burn at home to AB.

    Here are some of the dream fragments I've been remembering. Realize that in remembering consciously, I may be mixing dreams together or just expounding creatively, which in itself may be a useful exercise:

    I'm in some old, up-scale, foggy lush beach town driving or walking or just viewing from a distance the highway along the coast. (The Coast Highway? ) I'm going down a hill, there's the sense of being close to train tracks. I'm moving along the coast but just inland to my left there are lots of nice restaurants and shops. I just keep seeing so much green stuff growing along the sand. I could go on further but I think I'd be projecting.

    I remember another where I'm in some hilly neighborhood, very expensive houses, there's an embankment to my right with iceplant on it, and I'm a child, playing or hiding with other children on the embankment. There's some sense of X-mas in the air, and also a sense of betrayal, from or of a girl, and I had to get away, hiding in bushes, avoiding cars.

    I drive 80 MPH going home from work. It should take an hour and a half, but I get home in an hour. It's amazing what I'll do to keep myself from hating every other car on the road
with profound and dangerous passion.

    Recently I've taken to singing a capella. Once I ran out of songs to which I know the lyrics and that stand on their own, I started simply vocalizing.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeee...

        Eeeeeeeehhhhhhh...

                 Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh...

                          Oooooooohhhhhhh...

    I used to do this on any long trip where I started to go stir-crazy. It's actually a method of energetic clearing that I got from one of my Chaos Magic texts. (Can't remember if it's Phil Hine or who.) You visualize light in five places on the body starting with the head, then the throat, then the chest, tummy, sex organs, each vowel sound corresponding to that place, and you vocalize in any tone, starting from very very high pitched to very very low:  I, E, A, O, U. (Vowels as in Spanish, of course.) I think there may be color associations as well. I just visualize burning white light.

    It's an extremely effective method of clearing out energetic detritus and also good for healing. I feel very clear and a little 'high' afterward. Once I get accustomed to this and feel strong in my voice -- which is a battle in itself since I'm not vocally confident at all -- I begin to feel inspired to continue vocalizing.

    A few days ago I decided to 'let go' and see if any spirit wanted to move my tongue and vocal chords around. There was certainly a different energy there, but it was hazy and vague, and I don't have any experience channeling. But no matter. I began to sing in nonsense words and what actually came out surprised the hell out of me. They sounded like Christian Hymns in some Slavic tongue. I started to see snow and humble people gathered in small homes with fires burning, all of them wrapped in the warmest clothes. I couldn't sing the songs loudly or they turned into something different. I practically whispered as if asking God's permission to sing before his throne. After a while I think I started to analyze the vocal patterns too much and they sounded less creative.

    I was really taken away by this. I finally came back to Earth and realized I had been driving 60 MPH behind some rickety old truck in the Number 2 lane for quite a while.

All the time. I seem to be one of those people whose face changes every week. I've had friends tell me after not seeing me for a week or so, "If I had passed you on the street today, I wouldn't have recognized you." I take it as a sign of personal evolution. That or I'm just an energetic chameleon.

I'm currently being mistaken daily for another court employee by a new judge. What am I supposed to say? "Umm... your Honor? You're wrong!!!"  Don't think so.

I remember one time when I was about 15 or 16, I was riding in the car with my mother down a main street in Escondio -- my hometown -- a few blocks from my father's place of business. We came to a stop light, looked left, and this younger man and woman -- around their 30s, I'd say -- were gawking at me with strained expressions, the driver literally leaning over the passenger to get a better look, as if trying to discern if I was their long lost brother.

It was a bit awkward but it made me feel important.