9-2-08 – The trip was nice. My legs and feet hurt. We walked everywhere. We walked all the way from Broadway and Van Ness to Haight-Ashbury. We took the bus back. Richard and I, I think, were being as “us” as we could considering our limited amount of time to spend together. He kept wanting to do what we wanted to do because, his reasoning went, he would have the rest of his life – or however long he stays there – to explore, but he wanted us to have fun now. On Monday we got up fairly early and checked out of the hotel. We went to Daly city so Russell could look at discus fish. Then we drove up the Great Highway to China Beach, which took a lot longer than it should have because it was Labor Day. Russell wanted to hear Company, and by the time we got to Being Alive, I was a blubbering mess. Although I didn't let on about it to anyone. It seems to be a recurring theme lately to drive around with beautiful friends listening to music that always makes me cry anyway but under tender circumstances. I was crying to The Glorious by Brett Dennon for almost an entire quarter, then I had the audacity to bring it with me to Baton Rouge, and while Davida and I were driving down the street going to pick up Johnnie and some friends, I lost it. Then yesterday I'm driving around the Pacific coast and I completely lose it while listening to Sondheim. Too many connections. Davida loves Sondheim. I don't know why Russell wanted to hear that and I don't know what these strange threads are that tie us all together, but I know that I just had to say goodbye to my best friend for the second time in my life. I never really thought it was possible to have two best friends; I've always considered it a contradiction in terms. Maybe it's just the distance between me and Chad. We rarely talk on the phone and I'm not a good phone conversationalist anyway.

     On Geary and Leavenworth a few steps down from a dim sum restaurant, we dropped Richard off to his new life. He was excited and cheery, but I could tell he was holding back the emotion. He hugged me four nonconsecutive times, and we held each other for several seconds each time. I think neither of us wanted to start bawling in the middle of the sidewalk, so we kept it to a minimum. But as soon as I got in the van and saw him walking down the street alone, that skinny little body wandering against the backdrop of San Francisco looking for things to write about and draw, I completely broke down. I don't know why this occurred to me, but before we left the house to start packing his stuff from his old apartment on Saturday, I had an inkling that I should give him something magical. The only thing I could think of – and I don't even know if this is appropriate or just masturbatory – was the first magical object I ever made, a flat sandstone with the glyph of a protector spirit scratched on it. I slipped it into his pocket while we were saying goodbye. He didn't notice. Since he doesn't have a phone I haven't been able to talk to him and find out whether or not he's found it. I'm sure he has. I hope he didn't toss it away or something. I don't know why I gave it to him. But it was the last thing I thought about before leaving the house and the last thing I remembered before saying goodbye. So it's his now.

    I'm so bad at relationships in that I rarely remember specific conversations or exchanges. I mean, I remember all kinds of things we've said to each other, but it's more in thoughts and feelings than words. I try to write dialog of the two of us and I can't think of a damn thing. Rick is so full of information, I'd be afraid of misquoting him or misrepresenting him.

(Regarding Kunlun practice, using substances in conjunction with...)

9-5-08 – So I haven't been practicing Kunlun much because of practical necessities and time constraints. We were in SF last weekend plus Monday, Tuesday I worked in Indio, Wednesday I was trying to get stuff done around the house but practiced a little, and yesterday I practiced for a little while as well. But something has been going on when I practice lately. A tightness or strange feeling of overexertion. When I first started practicing it was slightly apparent, but I would stick it out and push through the tired feeling because I wanted to get to the bliss. Now it seems the bliss is always available but I just need to remind myself of it. I'm noticing very much the position in which I sit, the feel of the energy as it moves through my spine, my central channel, etc. It's become apparent that the movements are in response to the body's resistance to the flow of Kunlun energy. I find myself with a fierce expression on my face, like a demon or angry dakini, and I wonder whether I'm blocking something or truly transcending. I try to smile as much as possible, as Max instructs, but sometimes it's extremely difficult to get my facial muscles into that position. Lately I've been setting up a space on the coffee table in front of the TV, moving it forward to give myself some room, and invoking VN, clearing my central channel with the Aka Dua, and then starting practice. Aka Dua facilitates Kunlun in that it clears up the channels and smooths out the transition. But AD during KL practice usually detracts from the KL experience. I've been contemplating practicing while stoned out of my mind, which is dangerous, but tempting like a Datura flower blooming in the moonlight. I can imagine if one were to practice for long periods of time every day, one would quickly find old habits and patterns falling away. Although Max says it's the quality and not the frequency of practice that counts, something must be said for frequency; the more one practices the more familiar one becomes with one's resistances, surely. I think I'm contemplating blowing my head open again by using some sort of substance before KL practice because I like the danger and I like big whopping experiences to remind me of what I'm striving for; I guess I've never liked doing things a little bit at a time. I got pretty drunk last night and was still tipsy this morning. I've been drinking coffee like mad and feel better now, but I think I took Aleves last night and that was a very bad idea. Although I'm not feeling top notch, I have noticed the KL energy coming through very easily this morning. I don't know if it's because of my soft mental state or because of the Aleves or the coffee, but I feel today is a great day to practice. It is 9 Eb, a day of standing in one's strength and will. I think I'll go for the gold today. If I don't make it back, this journal is for everyone.

9-7-08 – That was a wonderful practice. I suppose the Salvia and Egyption Blue Lotus were completely unnecessary, but they confirmed the fact that Kunlun is strong enough by itself if you just let it be. Of course I knew that, but I always need reminders.

(Journal abbreviations:  AD = Aka Dua.)

    10-20-08 – I went to a healing circle at the Life Arts Center in downtown Riverside yesterday. It was hosted by the Tequihua Foundation, of course. It was pretty amazing. There were lots of AD practitioners there, some Reiki masters, newcomers who just bumped into Eric or whatever, people he works with at UCR, etc. I learned a few new techniques, like creating a vortex around the room with a smaller vortex in the middle spinning the opposite directions(like a hurricane). People brought singing bowls and bells, a glockenspiel, and I brought my flute and obsidian sphere. The shaman who headed the healing, Jim Three Feathers, was very interested in the sphere, and after I had piped in a little(pun intended) here and there with my flute to counterpoint the sound healing, he looked me dead in the eyes – I didn't shake – and everyone stopped the session at the same time. Every time we just seemed to know that it was over. Very powerful connections, like when I played at the expo in Pasadena with Pilar; we both just knew when to stop.

     We did healings on three different people while Jim Three Feathers worked more closely on the person. We sent the AD through the sound of the bowls and bells and chimes and drums. I was nervous, as always, about using my flute at first, but I got a glance, two different times, from another Level III AD practitioner and she nodded when I raised my flute. It felt wonderful to have that kind of instant understanding and acknowledgment without having said a word to each other; she knew exactly what I was asking: “Is this okay?” And it was. It was also fascinating to see one woman just open up an amazing amount while the energy was flowing through her. She opened up like she was doing Kunlun, shaking around and mumbling and really physically working things out of her system. I didn't know the AD could do that. I suppose it's just her particular reaction to it, and she did seem to have a lot of issues. One of those who could actually be kind of annoying as a healer, at least to me. She was working something out of a woman's chest who was on the table, and she kept saying, “Do you want it gone? Do you want it gone? You gotta want it,” and things like that. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but I found it a little distracting. For some that might be a good thing. There was another woman there who seemed absolutely fierce. She was an artist and made jewelery using the AD. I'm not exactly sure how to apply the AD to art – it's an aspect of the Work that I'm not really familiar with – but a lot of people seem to use it more specifically for art and creative endeavors than for healing.

    I'm ready for my Level II. It's been over a year since I first received that transmission. I've had plenty of time to adjust to it, though I'm still discovering more about it all the time. I've had plenty of time to save money for it(amongst other things) and I've failed to do that as well. I know Russell will be upset if I spend $100 all at once, but whatever. We spend that much on alcohol in a matter of days or a weekend. I spent a lot of money at the wineries this weekend(though it was amazing food.) I can only see good things happening if I go for my Level II attunement. Acceleration, acceleration, acceleration. Here we go.

(More from my journal. This is out of sequence with the previous entry. See dates.)

(My "sphere" is obsidian or volcanic glass, clear and red. AD = Aka Dua. KL = Kunlun. GF = Golden Flower meditation.)

    10-15-08 – It really is amazing how significantly different the practice is when I use my sphere. Now I'm obsessed with the idea of buying moldavite which is a similar glass but formed from a meteor impact. I can only imagine what would come from combining the two in a practice session. More interesting I find that Aka Dua practitioners and Kunlun practitioners both claim that using obsidian and meteors significantly enhances the experience. I remember Eric telling me once that Koyote charged a meteor with the Aka Dua and held it up afterward for everyone to see, and Eric could swear it was physically glowing. How did I get myself into these things? If I hadn't met Russell I never would have moved to Riverside and probably never would have heard of the Aka Dua or gone to Ananda's and met Eric, etc. Kunlun and Aka Dua are somehow connected in all of this. I'm not sure what I'm cultivating by using them together, but it should certainly be interesting.

     The power and the light? Yes, that must be it. The ayahausqueros speak of the ayahuasca vine as being the power and the chacruna leaves being the light. Perhaps that's what I've found for myself in an energetic sense. Kunlun is sort of like a magical power, even if that power is just sending yourself into a seizure at will. Many things come from it, of course, like the development of magnetism, which could be considered power, a greater sense of empathy, and if nothing at all, it is the power to reset your body, mind, and spirit. Aka Dua means inner most light. What more need be said?

     So how to use them in conjunction? I've been trying to fill the space in which I'm about to practice KL with AD, but that sometimes impedes practice. Channeling the AD after KL is interesting and can be almost orgasmic in a way – different from the orgasmic feeling of KL. Somehow more organic – but it can also lead to bursts of more KL if you're not careful. Still, I think that might should be the order of it: KL then AD to cultivate the energy spent. I have the question of whether or not to close down from KL first or channel AD and then close down. There's also the difficult possibility of trying to channel AD while practicing Kunlun, with the eyes for example, but sometimes I have a hard enough time surrendering to the KL. Another thing I find interesting is that Max espouses living in the center of the body, or the middle dan tien – that's where one closes down after practice – and the AD is supposed to be generated from the Solar Plexus. So when I'm closing down from KL practice, I often have the inkling to channel AD from around the same area and cultivate that along with the energy I'm giving out – because nei gung is about an outward flow. I guess I need to experiment and not speculate about these things. I just remembered – figured out really – that I have another hour till my next class, so I'm going to go practice some more.

     I tried using different varieties of the AD during KL practice. I alternated doing KL, filling up my “core” or central pillar with AD, then doing more KL. They seem to be reenforcing of each other; KL was stronger the second time after AD, AD was stronger the second time after more KL, etc. Lunar variety seems to work very subtly and smoothly with the KL, but that may be its nature in general. I tend to see it not as the bright white light of the moon but as the eerie bluish hue cast on everything upon which it shines. It seems to work with the KL to cultivate a feeling of contentment and fullness. Eric associates the Unnamed variety with the Void, so I had that impression in my head the entire time. However it does seem to encourage the KL to go crazy, as it were. Obsidian variety stops the KL more than any other. Its superstable nature just keeps everything stuck in place. Atmospheric was a little fuzzy for me, but I didn't play with it much.

    Then I tried to Oceanic variety. I have almost no experience with the Oceanic variety by itself. I always imagined a sort of oceanic womb mother kind of feeling, but boy was I wrong. I thought about it – maybe I should try Oceanic. KL loves water – but immediately admitted I didn't even know if I could channel the Oceanic variety. I've tried before but nothing major really came of it. Until now. I was pounded by huge waves of bliss again and again. My whole body responded. It was extraordinary. I will try the Volcanic out of curiosity and the Solar out of morbid curiosity – you're not supposed to practice KL in full sunlight – and there may be something special to be gleaned from using the Jaguar subvariety, but I don't even know if I can channel that yet. I guess I'll go try. There might be a sort of similar energy there, the fierceness of the jaguar ala the fierceness of the dakinis or the dragons.

    Okay. I completely forgot about the Jaguar subvariety just now. I just kept working with the Oceanic instead. I'm figuring out that regardless of the order one does these things, it still all depends on attitude, intent, and surrender. I suppose there is a distinction to be made between surrender and mental vacuity, although they do go hand in hand, in essence; a state of mental vacuity often leads to a big jolt of KL, leading one to believe that was a moment of surrender, when it was truly just a moment of mental surrender or abandon. To surrender really means to trust completely, not exactly to fall back into the arms of the KL or the Tao or whatever. To just be and to just be willing. Considering my trust issues, I'm surprised I've gotten this far with the KL. I decided also to practice the Red Sun Method for the first time in several months, I believe. It was more intense than the first time, and I believe I really truly opened another big emotional block. Or at least I was shown how much farther I have to go. However, that is the first and most important step.

    As I was raising the little glowing ember up to my heart area and making it hotter and hotter, saying “melt, melt,” I thought I might not have enough breath to get it all the way up there and keep it there for a while. I kept going anyway, kept it there for as long as I could, and BANG! There was a definite pop or blast or something, and I let out and breathed. I saw this weird fractured pattern of colors in my vision, then I coughed hard. As I kept breathing and gaining composure, this terrible feeling of hurt and sadness swept over me for no reason. I started sobbing and almost fully crying. There was tangible knot in my chest that had been loosened, and I could feel it trying to tighten itself up again. I just felt the feeling of sadness – which I can still tap into now, now that I feel about it – and tried to smile to open the crown chakra. After a while I did GF with KL and that seemed to purify the feeling. Definitely not for the faint of heart, and definitely not something to do all the time.

    I find it remarkable that I have all these tools available to me to help me ascend. I find it less than ironic that I still smoke and drink and hide myself; it's all perfectly simple. What could be more fitting than a fully realized individual who drinks and smokes? I have to admit that would be pretty badass. It's a dream and a half to be fully integrated like that. But what about knowing what's bad for you and when to stop?

(AD = Aka Dua. KL = Kunlun. HGA = Holy Guardian Angel. AB = Amma Bhaghavan.)

10-22-08 – Since I got the book I've been dismayed by the fact that I've been practicing KL improperly in a few ways. I thought I'd be ready for Level 2 now, but there are a few things I need to do differently for a while first. Those things are ramping up the practice though, so I'm not worried. What's another month or so?

     Today I practiced at home, rainbow blanket spread on the floor, obsidian sphere beneath me, picture of Amabhagavan and my flute on the table before me. I played some really good healing music including the Sounds of Raphael from Tom Kenyon. There were some emotional blocks lifted and toned away, but it was much smoother than my usual practice. I think all the crystal bowl music did that. I got to a point that's very difficult to describe. Eric mentioned how the Aka Dua can take one into psychotropic-like states at the higher levels. I experienced that today. I practiced KL for a while then felt it was an appropriate time to create a field of AD around me, so I started creating a vortex of Lunar energy around me with a pillar or smaller vortex of Obsidian inside. I've done this before and for some reason the vortex always collapses into this strange sphere/orb with the Lunar inside and the Obsidian surrounding it. Once that happens my consciousness shoots to a level unlike anything I've experienced before. POWER, BLISS, ENLIGHTENMENT, TOTAL AWARENESS. Very much like connecting fully to my HGA, but different somehow. I was blown away. I begged VN to make it stay. I'm definitely changed. I crossed a barrier today. However I do let myself “leak” after a while and fall back into my usual modes. I must try to keep this awareness open.

     As is often the case for my most transcendent experiences, I'm now currently overcome with malaise and negativity. I don't know if I'm processing junk or soaking up negative energies from other people and my environment, but everything is grating on me right now. It happens all the time. It's like the more bliss I feel at one time, the crappier I feel a little later. Of course I know that's not really the case. It's not a balancing act of positive and negative energy or something or someone keeping me in check, never progressing. I just can't really explain why it keeps happening this way. Maybe I'm not detoxifying myself enough or not drinking enough water. I feel sluggish and external stimuli is slightly painful and very annoying.

    10-23-08 – Yes, I believe it is more of a physical thing, actually. Especially considering I was doing so many things together. That's what I like, obviously, but I forget how taxing that can be. Like the language of light blessings from Judy Satori; she always tells you to sip water during and after the transmission and warns that you might get a headache or need to lie down afterward. I was listening to an angelic blessing, doing KL, holding it all in place with the AD, and asking for deeksha from Amma Bhagavan. What did I think was going to happen?

     I mentioned it before, but the difference between asking to receive a deeksha blessing a few months ago and asking now is quite extraordinary. I don't even have to touch the image of AB in order to feel the energy come through. They are so giving and open, it's as though I don't even have to ask for it. I feel strange not asking or just “feeling” the form of my request since they are part of a much more formal spiritual modality. I know they're not traditional gurus or anything like that and they don't ask for exclusive devotion, but not having done the 21-day process or even seeing them in person, I have misgivings about just asking for their energy whenever and wherever in my informal, improvisational style. And yet it always comes through, strong as ever, that warm, melting energy that fuses mental dualities.

     I was reading some earlier entries about the AD and I'm a little disappointed in my reports. So much of it sounds like theory and intellectualization rather than direct reporting of hands-on experience. I just activated the Volcanic variety for the first time in a rather long while – only for a brief moment, however. I've been avoiding the “hotter” forms of the AD because they logically would seem to be contradictory to the KL, but the more I experiment the more I realize they're not incompatible in any way. It still seems weird to activate the Solar variety or the Volcanic variety during KL practice because KL is watery and cool and feminine. But in reading the book, Max often talks about the bliss heat and the fire of this or that. I hate sounding like such a hair splitter, but there are a lot of seeming contradictions in the terminology used in the book and what I've heard Max say myself. That might not speak so much to “flaws” or “imperfections” in the method itself, of course, but more to the fact that a lot of this stuff is based on interpretation and semantics to begin with, just like anything else. I have no problem with that. I just want to know what's helpful and what's harmful. Seeing that these are both types of healing energy and that they're both alchemical in nature, there's probably no way one could cause harm to the body or energy fields in conjunction with the other. Also given the wild nature of KL itself, there might even be something great to gain by playing around with seemingly contradictory energies, i.e., establishing a huge field of Volcanic AD and then practicing KL on top of it. Max does say it's bad to practice in full sunlight, though.

     Different combinations of AD seem to create very specific psychic effects. For some reason I sense the Volcanic would go very well with the KL, perhaps because of its flowing nature. Obsidian is always good. Atmospheric is kind of a mystery to me now, even though I thought it's what I started out with primarily. Oceanic is great for KL. In experimenting with creating vortices, the thought of combining Atmospheric with Oceanic to create a hurricane or waterspout is obvious and undeniable. I'm curious though as to whether the center of a hurricane spins in the opposite direction of the outer rim.

     Obsidian and Lunar go very well together. Oceanic and Lunar do as well. Today I was creating a Solar and Lunar vortex, and that was very illuminating. The energies would seem to be opposite – one cool and feminine, the other hot and masculine – but of course they say the secret behind the sun is the moon, the secret behind the moon is the sun, and this is in keeping with yin and yang principles and all that jazz too.

     It just dawned on me how ridiculous this would all sound to Russell if he were to read it. He believes in energy, but all this stuff about varieties and combinations... he'd think I was bonkers. Well, he thinks that already, but he'd probably divorce me. Ah, well.

     It seems now ever since I've been combining AD and KL, it's impossible for me not to feel a certain bliss energy arise when activating just the AD. I don't know if it's my increased sensitivity, the bliss or magnetic potential arising from practicing the KL, or just an element of the AD I hadn't noticed before(which could also be explained by increased sensitivity.) Obviously I never knew AD alone could take one into altered states of consciousness; I looked at it as a healing energy primarily. Now that I've experienced what I've experienced, it's easier to see how people could use it in art and so on. Assuming one could reach a state of altered consciousness at will with a little concentration and direction, creating art in that state would probably be a blast. I remember Shyam saying that if you surrender fully enough to an energy, you become that energy. I guess that's what's required to get one's self into those states. I can't wait to do it again. I guess the only real opportunity I'll have is next Thursday, which really sucks. Tomorrow I have the middle of the day in the meditation room, but I'm not comfortable enough to surrender fully there, plus I don't have my usual practice items like my chair and loose clothes and my rainbow blanket. (Since reading the book I've become aware that it's important to have the same things with you every time you practice to establish familiarity and an energetic build up in those objects. I suppose that may be why I have the most intense experiences with my sphere and flute and chair. I've decided to use the rainbow blanket as my meditation rug, as I have often used it for meditation and ritual in the past.)