Bliss-shock

    This is from my journal this morning. I was still in a malaise/funk from my practice the day before, dealing with the emotional cleansing that the Kunlun had started.

    6-20-08 – My most significant tarot reading – the one that went well into the future – still sticks in my mind. Everything has been happening as it said it would. After the seminar and after a brief burst of Kunlun enthusiasm, I fell back into my regular habits, started losing touch with the reality of the energy and its feeling, and now everything is pretty much back to normal, so much so that yesterday even while practicing I hit a point where I just stopped and found myself staring at the floor. Suddenly I recalled an old picture of myself as a child sitting by a giant tree with some random white object in my hand, my head hanging down and to the right, staring at the wet ground, waiting for something to happen. I was now in the exact same position in front of my altar. I actually paused after I realized it so I could take in the feeling and remember it. It was like empty space, a void I've always wanted to fill or always waited for someone else to notice.

    After that I decided to work on my heart, and I had one of my most emotional experiences so far. Mostly I've been laughing and yelling and speaking in tongues. Well, yesterday I started to whimper and wale. It's like there's a catch in my heart, something my mind skips over with every breath and won't acknowledge. Something released it just a little bit this time, and I felt myself open up in ways I haven't felt before. My voice was different, like I was pleading with my mother. I didn't cry but it felt like my body was weeping. I'm starting to realize how much hidden stuff is in there. We go along day after day making inner conceptions of ourselves, defining and redefining ourselves, picking ourselves apart, psychoanalyzing ourselves, getting to the “core” of things, and we think we're actually healing when we're really just adding mental layers to our already muddled self-conceptions. There's dark shit in there and I'm glad to feel it finally. I'm glad I'm realizing just how wounded I am.

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    Today, however, I decided to throw everything to the wind. Surrender surrender surrender. That's what this is all about. I can't complain internally about not being "taken" by the energy if I still hold up these huge walls in my mind or about my body. What if I fall in the floor? What if this space is too cramped? What if the neighbors hear me and think I'm dying or having sex? Forget all that. This is my practice. Deal with it. (Of course I'm speaking to myself, not the neighbors, really.)

    And let me tell you! Talk about being "taken" by the energy. I think I've finally learned "focus" on surrender, if that makes any sense whatsoever. By that I just mean that surrender has become the theme of my practicing and what must be done to truly feel the energy, to truly heal, to truly experience what I want and need to experience.

    I had images spinning through my head like crazy. I was twisted around toward my fish tank -- which I now realize is probably to a good thing to practice next to -- and twisted around from one side to the other from my waist. I almost fell off my chair. I howled. I moaned. I felt the energy so strongly all around, I was actually moving it at times. And I realized the difference between opening and closing your eyes while practicing.

    I used my obsidian sphere to pull out negative energies. It always changes the experience so much. At one point I held it in the palms of my hands(it's huge) and activated the Kunlun energy. It was very strong, grounded because of the obsidian, and eventually I pushed it down near my root chakra. The quality of the experience changed. I made a strange face I've never made before -- it reminded me of my very intense friend, J, an Aquarius with too much Scorpio in his chart -- and I really felt I was activating and clearing and cleaning my root chakra to the max. I felt incredibly balanced, as if for the first time I was embodying all that was male and all that was female in me. I felt for the first time both halves of my body in perfect alignment expressing perfect power.

    The funnest part came after practice, after I had talked to R. and agreed to go out with him and his coworkers for lunch. I was already feeling not quite like myself -- but somehow more like myself than ever -- and the strangest thing happened in the bathroom. I sprayed my hair with hairspray a few times and suddenly I felt a tingling sensation in my crown chakra. I thought, playfully, Oh, no. What do you want now? As I thought this my crown blasted open and a huge current of Kunlun energy washed down over me, and I was lifted up as if by a tractor beam toward the ceiling. I grabbed the doorway and started breathing heavily. I laughed a little, thinking it was all over, and then I walked into the bedroom. It happened again and I started writhing in ecstasy and fell to my knees, put my hands in the prayer position, and let this energy do what it had to do with me. It lasted for some time. I felt special somehow, like I was being acknowledged as beautiful. (I don't know exactly where that notion came from.) I was tearfully thankful until it ended.

    After that the smallest things would set me off into bliss-shock. Putting on my shirt was difficult because the feeling of the cloth against my skin was so blissful. Looking at myself in the mirror sent me into a fit of laughter. Touching my car keys made my soul wanna come. I think I may now know the meaning of the Lust card.