Boys in Bliss: Journal Entry

THE BEGINNING:

6-28-08 – I had an amazing practice with Nick the other day. I had gone down to Escondido to visit my mother and pick up an old hard drive from her computer. Nick and I had tentatively scheduled that I would come over afterwards. I thought it somehow appropriate that I was seeing my mother – whom I never ever see – on the first day I was going to practice Kunlun with another person. I was more excited about the practice initially, but my mother and I seemed to be getting on quite well. I taught her a few things on the computer, and we decided to go get sushi for lunch, which used to be out “thing.”

THE QUESTION:

We went out and spent a lot more time together than I expected, and I was completely unprepared for a big question she hasn't dared to ask me since I left home. She said, “So, what do you believe?” I said, somewhat smugly, “I believe a lot of things, mom.” I knew that wouldn't suffice and my mind raced for something to say about what I “believe” that wouldn't completely freak her out. I told her I believed in cycles, in a somewhat altered version of reincarnation. I was skirting around the fact that I do believe in the permanence of consciousness and the soul.

We didn't get too deep, but that was enough for both of us, I think, to simply open a dialog. When it comes to change, everything has to happen very slowly for her, and it was a huge step to actually open herself enough to ask me what I believe. A few years ago if I had tried to tell her, she would have said she didn't want to hear and walked into her room and cried. We cried a little as we said goodbye. It was purging. No bawling, just gentle weeping and a warm flow of love and a mutual understanding that we don't really understand each other's spirituality. I felt good about it.

THE JOURNEY:

I suppose it was the opening of that particular emotional channel that set me off on a tirade of anger and meanness as I drove all the way toward Encinitas in classic San Diego traffic. I was bitchy. I was driving fine, but everyone and everything was pissing me off. It also didn't help that I couldn't get a hold of Nick; his phone wasn't accepting calls and I didn't remember which exit to take to get to his house or even if he was in the same house as the last time I was there. I was texting him while driving, asking him to find a payphone to call me because he couldn't make calls either. I took one exit and drove a long while before I decided it was completely wrong. I tried two exits down and figured it would be just my luck that it was probably the one I passed. But it looked familiar. I drove around and got passed on the right by angry San Diegan speed demons and honked at by a truck that didn't know how to use his brakes down hill. I was in a bad mood. Gas is expensive. I probably wasn't going to find Nick's house, or if I did he probably wouldn't be there.

I found the house eventually and I didn't see Nick's car. There was a foreboding truck in front of it and it didn't look exactly the way I remembered on the outside, so I figured he had moved. I called and called but wasn't brave enough to knock. I sent texts, I sent IMs. Finally, despondent and drained, I messaged him saying I would be at the meditation gardens by the SRF temple. I began my search, and just as I was nearing Yogananda's old stomping grounds, Nick messaged me back on AIM(on my phone) and said, What? I'm here! Come back! etc., etc. And, Did you knock, silly? I was still perturbed but realized that I couldn't stay mad if we were going to practice now; I really did want to practice with him and... well, it's just impossible to stay mad at that boy. And deep deep down I truly knew that all this perturbation and disruption of my recent cheery mood was happening for a reason. I told Nick he owed me one, and he said okay, but then we talked some and he agreed it was probably the Kunlun throwing me off my rockers so we could have some great openings today. I felt better almost immediately.

THE PRACTICE:

His roommate was leaving at the very moment I arrived, so if I had gotten there earlier we would have had to wait until she left to really start. Damn universe. We lit incense and he laid out a large crystal grid between two chairs facing each other with my giant red obsidian sphere in the very middle. We put on various types of music in a play list. I wasn't really sure how to start. Do we “direct” the energy to each other? Is there some special mindset I need to have for this? I didn't know what to expect. We relaxed and breathed for a while, and then we just started opening up.

Almost instantly I could feel the energy physically between us, pushing and pulling. The balance was incredible. I'd start coughing and he'd start laughing. He'd open something up and my hands would thrash back and forth toward him, expelling more energy. There were times the energy was so strong I felt like my head was going to completely erupt. Several moments for me were very much like a strong spiritual orgasm; that's all I can think of to call them. We both did things we haven't done before. I didn't expect that because he's been practicing so much longer than me. I screamed in ecstasy, he whistled. He did strange “tricks” to me like energizing water and splashing the top of my head with it. I melted. I've never felt the sensual or tactical element of bliss so strongly. Every sensation was intense and beautiful, like I could lose myself in one touch forever. It was extraordinary.

We took breaks in between our sessions. There were times I felt Nick was opening up more than me and experiencing more, and I had just reached a point of resignation. But all I had to do was really let myself go and make it okay. At one point while we were standing up, Nick fell into very intense bliss. I can't remember what set it off. He went down to the floor and started kicking around. I moved his chair out of the way so he could stretch out. He was moving every direction and going crazy for quite a long time. I got a crazy idea and went into his room, grabbed my Native American flute and snuck up behind him and played a fierce loud and low note while flicking my tongue. It sounded kind of like a mini-didgeridoo. That put him in a nice place and we played like that for a while. Eventually he was going so far out of reach I felt I should touch his feet. Then I touched his knees and it grounded him a lot more. Eventually he came to.

THE SPHERE:

I was a little jealous of his “trip” because, apart from not having much space in my apartment to stretch out, I've never fallen on the floor and gone crazy quite like that. I know that's not what it's about, but part of me wants to not have to surrender and just be blown away and lose control. But boy was I in for a surprise. (Continued 6-29-08) We were so generally blissed out that I can't recall exactly when or how we stopped and started again, but we had a few more sessions and I was feeling a little drained and wasn't quite feeling the energy as strongly anymore. It was all mental blockage of course. I was running things through my head, still trying to figure out what this should be, how I should behave, what I should do, etc.

I sat there in my chair looking at Nick for a while. I saw his half-opened eyes and he saw me. He was falling in and out of bliss. I was sort of jealous that he was still open and I was having difficulty. Finally I decided I had to get physically closer to him to connect better. I knelt down in front of him and worked with the energy for a little while. Then spontaneously I felt I should give him the obsidian sphere to hold. I said, “Hey, Nicky. Hold this.” He said, “Oh, no,” but let me plop it into his cupped hands. I stood off to the side in the space where he had been blissing out on the floor for some reason, as if I was just going to stand and watch, when suddenly this huge force with strength I've never imagined grabbed a hold of my lower dantien and hurled me to my knees. I let out a loud cry as I hit the floor, and I was done for. I have never felt so overtaken by any type of energy in my entire life. I shook my hands out as if possessed, I kicked my feet, and howled and moaned, I raised my hands to the sky and shook them, I spoke in tongues, I wailed in ecstasy. I can't recall how long it lasted. Several minutes. I felt the energy deep inside my body, in my muscles, in my organs. I felt absolutely amazing. I had no control over what the energy was doing to me and I didn't want any. It was incredible. At that moment I felt fully immersed in the Kunlun experience with no expectations or questions or whatever. There was no egoic direction like, “Come on now. Are you really feeling that good?” or, “Do you really need to be trashing about so?” I was bliss.

THE RESULT:

From that point on, everything was different. I was laughing a lot more and felt more open to do whatever I wanted or needed. I could have done that before, but... So we played and played and played some more. We got closer and the energy flowing through us together was intense. I moved one way and he moved to balance it out perfectly. Once I was prostrate with my head on the floor in front of him, and I raised my head up slowly, eyes closed, to find he was automatically lowering his head to mine. It was pretty incredible. I suppose it was some kind of bliss tantra, but there wasn't a real sexual component to the bliss we were feeling. Sex would have paled in comparison at that moment.

I had to leave soon after that and get back up north. It was difficult to say it. It was difficult to separate, not in that we were emotionally invested in each other; we were both having our own experiences separately together. I didn't feel all tangled up inside him. Getting off the floor and away from Nick felt funny, like a tree suddenly uprooting itself and skipping about. I was all giggles and bliss after that. And since then it's been so much easier to hone in on that feeling of bliss in anything. Sometimes I'll just brush up against something and the feeling seems to last forever and shocks me into a feeling of giddiness. I can open up to the Kunlun much more quickly, and the practice seems to be balancing out. One arm isn't doing one thing while the other does another. I'm more symmetrical in my movements. My stomach feels different. I'm feeling the energy on a deeper visceral level.

I'm changed forever.