11-17-08 – (UCR, Outside the coffee window, 10:00 AM.) I'm finishing Soul Communication. Shyam gave it to me a long time ago. I really liked the information in it, but for some reason I never got much past the first real exercise and the asking of body parts and organs to heal themselves. It has helped influence my thinking and practices, but there's so much more to be gained from it. I see a direct correlation to the Abramelin or 21st Century Mage in that it teaches you to communicate directly with the divine. What Mage calls the HGA, this book calls the soul. It goes beyond that in that “soul communication” also includes beings from other realms, the souls of universes, saints, angels, etc. It feels a little soft to me in that there isn't much focus except on opening up, but that's where it has to start. Focus on surrender, opening to the divine flow, etc. I've used, as I've mentioned before, the communication mudra and the special mantra to help open me up, but I want to go much further. I think it is, however, a natural addition to or extension of my regular practice.

    (Outside meditation room, 3:20 PM.) The process it describes as soul communication is the same, I'd say, as the knowledge and conversation of the holy guardian angel. Today I used one of the mantras – simply “god's light, god's light” – in my language to make it more personal. I was substituting “VN” for “god”, but I think the concept could be split up; I was uncomfortable with the term “god” and still am, but I think I would be okay with Tao or something to that effect. Still I believe that my focus should be on my HGA and developing that personal relationship. I am very mentally driven and it takes a lot for me to really hear my intuition or higher self or whatever you want to call it. Soul language is basically described as the glossolalia that results from chanting a mantra over and over and letting the words slur together out of mental or logical control. I can already do that very easily, but the specific energy of “soul language” as described in the book is important. Translating that language is the much more difficult part, and that's where I get iffy on the subject. Anyone can channel anything, and I don't trust myself.

         I feel like I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I keep looking at myself and thinking, “Good lord. Am I really that much in my head?” I wonder if I'll ever get clear focus. Ryan read my Jyotish chart and had some illuminating things to say about how I'm often incomprehensible to others, that much of what I say comes out as gibberish. It's been a failing of mine since I was a child; no one's ever understood me. I gave him the example of writing poetry when I was younger. I would pour over every word until each one rung with perfect clarity of meaning. Years later I read them and realized I had been internalizing their meaning and attaching personal significance to them, but they were terrible poems without any verifiable substance. I wonder much the same thing about half the journals I write. I remember feeling a certain way at the time I wrote them, but when I read them later, I sometimes wonder why I left certain things out.

    After some simple meditation this morning I felt pretty full of divine light. I can still connect to it at will, and now it's sort of making me sad that I can't live in that state all the time or throw away my material trappings and immerse myself in the Now completely. If I were to do that, I'd probably face more demons than I'd know how to handle. I should feel grateful for the state I'm in and the opportunities and gifts I have. But sometimes when I'm practicing and in the midst of this blissful energy or extremely high levels of consciousness, I wonder, “What am I gonna do about money? I can't live like this forever. Why do I smoke so much? Why do I drink so much?” Kunlun is a good way to wash all that junk off, but I can't practice in the evening, and the meditation room has been taken over my the Muslim students. I think it's beautiful how they all meet to pray, but I certainly can't erupt into ecstasy while they're there. I get to practice on Tuesday and Thursday, but after the drive back home from San Bernardino, eating lunch and saying goodbye to Russell, I don't have that much time, and I always have the nagging feeling that I'm going to make myself late if I practice too long or close down too long, and it interferes with the practice. Sometimes I'll practice while Russell is jogging and that's nice, but I feel like I should be doing something practical like cleaning the bedroom.

    I don't know where my life is going. I plan to be with Russell for a long time; at least I know that now. I'm afraid he might freak out if I start turning my spiritual and energetic practices into something more tangible like starting a healing business. I don't even know if that's what I want to do. Though I do feel I should be giving something back in all of this personal evolution. I want a fulfilling life. I want to do what I love. What I love seems to be unseen forces. I know I'm on the right path, and I know there's no end to the path, but still, by what personal and practical ends does this path pass?

11-21-08 – I just had one of those eye-opening and heart provoking experiences. Seeing as I can't practice Kunlun for a full hour anymore – I'm shy about the meditation room now and I never have time at home – I've just been doing AD channeling and the soul communication stuff. Today I really delved into the soul communication, and I first called on Saint Germain and the Guan Yin. I have absolutely no associations for Guan Yin except that she's beautiful and loving and the embodiment of femininity. And Nick seems to like her. I chanted “from” Saint Germain; I had asked for a blessing of transmutation. Then I chanted “from” Guan Yin and asked for a blessing of healing and general ascension stuff. I had no idea what to expect. Clearing my mind to let it come through, the quality of sound was completely different than that from Saint Germaine and much more song-like. It lasted until it ended, that is, it was very powerful and then just stopped.

     After saying a little salutation to Saint Germain and doing “soul language” as the book calls it, I was overcome by presence. This immensely righteous presence, powerful and kingly, was whooshing through me, almost moving me physically. I started to sob. I was so grateful and thanked Saint Germaine over and over. I don't know what was cleared out, but it was something.

    After saying a little salutation to Guan Yin and doing soul language, I was... this is very odd. I don't recall how I felt at all. I know it was good, and I know there was something significant about it, but I can't really pinpoint what it was. I asked her for healing, I chanted in soul language, I sort of sang, then it stopped. I can't remember what happened after that.

     The real kicker came, though, when I headed back to work. I had a fine time in the car listening to my music, semi-avoiding the new sensations inside me doing this work. As I walked toward the sidewalk, I thought of the monk who is sometimes here selling literature from the Society for Krishna Consciousness and that I'd like to talk to him again. I imagined telling him that I had just called on Guan Yin and that I had a wonderful experience, that I'm opening up a great deal, etc, etc. Then I saw something that looked like one of their small colorful books on a bench up ahead. As I got closer I realized it was a picture of a goddess, then I stopped to pick it up and turned it over. It was a card as would accompany a gift. I opened it to find that the goddess pictured on the front was “Kwan Yin, Goddess of compassion.” I just about fell over. The card is dirty as if it's been run over, and there was a bunch of old tape stuck to the back. Inside it say in print, “May the happiness you bring to others come back to you a thousand fold.” Then in handwriting it says, “And we're back. To my one and only love...” then it's signed with an illegible name. Of I kept it.

     I usually don't have things that obvious happen to me. Guan Yin is, according to Soul Communication, the goddess for the new soul light era. She has a different name, Ling Hui Sheng Shi – which I think is pronounced ling hwei shung shr, if I'm not mistaken, but who the heck knows the tones anyway? I've never really had a resonance with any deity besides Shiva. But to see an obvious message like this, to have it smack me in the face... I'm speechless.

11-27-08 – I had a wonderful blessing from Lakshmi this morning. It totally changed my view of Soul Communication. Her personality came through so clearly and warmly, like a gracious host at a beautiful banquet who takes the time to talk to just you and make you feel at ease. I've started to include the request “May this blessing/healing come through my voice” every time I do SC. It reminds me, and hopefully those whom I contact, that I will be speaking as though they are speaking directly through me; I think it sets up an appropriate mindset. The language that was coming through my mouth was very conversational, and the tones were very vocal as opposed to chant- or song-like. After a while her gracious and giving attitude made me laugh quite a lot, and the blessing coming through me turned into precious laughter.

     First Saint Germain. A very intense Violet Fire heart healing. As I finished, the sun came out. Then I had the notion I should work with some entities who are helping humans integrate divine energies and physical energies, not just as in transmutation of physical to spiritual or even blockages to divine light, but the additive and artificial chemicals and toxic garbage that's floating around this earth. I've always thought instead of having to lead a life of complete separation from all of that junk, there must be some way to integrate it and overpower it, like the guru who drank a vile of LSD and nothing happened. I should be able to eat a microwave burrito and not feel sick afterwards, not that I want to.

     I said something like, “I call upon all entities who...” then realized that was too nonspecific. Somewhere in my searching for a label for these types of entities, I heard, “The Angels of Reconstruction.” This may be a name from my subconscious or rational mind, but it doesn't matter. As soon as I heard the name, I felt a strong connection for and affinity to them. I called on them seriously and fervently. For some reason I have it in my mind that they will beef up my muscles somehow or increase the efficiency of my organ systems. The energy and voices that came through were absolutely extraordinary. In the middle of the healing, I heard what sounded like the voices of children outside the window, then the sound of running water. As I opened my eyes, I saw that it was now raining. I was about to finish prematurely but I heard Russell still practicing in the living room so I continued. (I'm paranoid he'll walk in on me making funny sounds. Strange since his warm-ups include vocal exercises that sound just as ridiculous as my glossolalia.) Then another voice came through, very high-toned, very angelic, and it sing-spoke to me in a very warm way. I think it was telling me about the subtle connections of human bodies and angels and healing some of the pain we go through in transition from physical bodies to bodies of increased light. It had a male quality to it, but very understanding, very empathic to the state I am in and so so compassionate.

     Just as I finished and opened my eyes again, I heard Russell singing Oh, Holy Night, and he was just then starting the line, “Oh, hear the angel voices.” Synchronistic enough for ya?